Saturday, January 29, 2011

Kessel Last Pick In Draft...Snicker

All "he's a stupid douchebag" comments aside, I'm having a hard time figuring out why Ol' One Nut was in the draft for this weekend's meaningless game. I'm sure it has something to do with every team being represented, but I'm a die-hard hockey fan and to me, the All-Star game isn't hockey. I haven't watched it in years and I'm not going to this year. I just couldn't care less. It's nice to see the players get recongnized, but I'm sure they would all rather be somewhere else.
That being said, I just couldn't stop laughing when I read that Kessel had been picked last. It appears that his fellow NHLers realize what this guy brings to the table...and they don't want it. I wouldn't either.
Few things:
-I hope some of the boys use the time off to get some rest. It's at that point of the season where all the dings and small sprains are adding up. Hopefully they'll lay low and relax. I'm guessing, however, that they'll be doing jello shots off of the bellies of some college girls in a nameless bar somewhere.
-I don't think that anyone would or could have predicted that Brad Marchand would enter the break with 13 goals (four of those shorties)and having become such an integral part of the team. It was great to see one of the P-Bruins come up and really solidify his spot immediately instead of hanging around and not doing much (I'm looking at you Andy Hilbert, Ivan Huml, Martin St.Pierre, et al). His effort and drive are there every single night and his skating and ideas with the puck have improved since the first game. Great to see.
-Timmy continues to play out of his mind, including holding the fort the other night for the last ten minutes against the Panthers. If he continues to play like this and doesn't bring home the Vezina and Hart trophies, I will officially know that the voting process is a fucking joke.
-We'll know after the break what the deal with Stuart is. He might still be nursing his hand injury, but with the emergence of Kampfer and Lonewolf McQuaid's play, Stuart might have played his last game as a Bruin. I really like him as a player and would like to see him stay, but I'd be surprised if that happened.
I'll end with this. I've been a faithful subsriber to The Hockey News for over fifteen years now. They generally put together good stories and these guys (most of them anyway) seem to know their hockey. Because of that, I'll put up with the fact that their publication is so geared towards Canadians (it's the biggest hockey market and they need to make their money)and the subtle but frequent jabs they take at Americans and our hockey teams. Maybe it's because a long time ago, they published a letter I wrote about Joe Thornton (it's the issue with Theo Fleury dressed as Napoleon on the cover if anyone has old copies laying around).
I've always thought that THN writer Adam Proteau was a bit of a fucktard. He just reminds me of that kid that never played sports (or took a punch or tasted his own blood or knows what it feels like to win or lose a game) but has somehow managed to land a job where he is talking about it non-stop. It's not official yet, but Proteau is thought to have tweeted in an article regarding Savvy's concussion issues that "in a sense, Matt Cooke has been victimized, too." I'm not even going to get into it, but that comment, to me, shows that the author just doesn't know what the fuck they're talking about. And I feel bad for Proteau if he ever meets Shawn Thornton in a dark alley.
Go B's.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Keep It Rolling, Boys

Bruins go against the Sabres tonight in what might be Thomas versus Miller. Timmy is still playing just out of his fucking mind. It wouldn't surprise me if they give Tuukka a go though, as Timmy stopped approximately 1,385 shots the other night against Carolina. Tuukka could use the game and I'm sure Timmy could use the rest. Have you looked at Timmy's record lately? That fucker could lose the next 15 straight games and he would still have a .500 record in regulation. Insane.
ESPN has said that Boston won't relinquish their top spot in the Northeast for the rest of the season. If they continue to play the way they've been going, I'm absolutely fine with that.
Couple things-
-I really liked the Thornton/Campbell/Wheeler combo the other night. We know what Thornton brings, and Campbell has been such a pleasant surprise. He reminds me of a much younger and more physical Glen Metropolit: a player that is hugely under-appreciated but has great skill. Campbell was an absolute steal from the Panthers and to me, a Campbell for Wideman trade would have been fair enough. On top of all that, he is really the only Bruin this year that seems to give a flying fuck about blocking shots.
-Looch looked decent and had a huge goal. He needs to realize that when he parks his violent ass in front of the net, he could get at least a goal a game. Recchi has scored the majority of his from twelve feet out or less and the sooner that Looch realizes this, the better. Good to see him throwing some hits, too.
-My crosshairs have moved from Evil Wheeler (playing great lately) to Krejci. Fuck me man, you're making a lot of money. SKATE. Jesus Christ.
-The Sabres are kind of a hard team to get up for. That midget fuck Ennis will be buzzing around the ice, and it wouldn't surprise me if they stuck Redcheek Marchand on him.
Hopefully the boys will put up a good effort tonight. Going in for Lasik tomorrow, so this may be the last game I ever see depending on whether or not the power goes out mid-surgery. If so, I'll just have to listen to Bruins games...and I'm guessing that Jack Edwards' method of calling fights ("Thornton goes over and under, under and over...(orgasmic yell)...AND GETS THE TAKEDOWN!") might get a bit tiresome. Jack, you crack me the fuck up, but please add the following words to your lexicon:jab, punch, hook, dirty sanchez, donkey punch, shitbrick, and schnitzel.
Go B's.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Rock Them Like A Hurri...Sorry, That Was Stupid

It always cracks me up when a coach pulls a goalie after two quick goals...and then the replacement gets shelled for five, yes FIVE, goals. It kind of makes the coach look like a squishy-faced retard...which, coincedentally, is what Paul Maurice resembles. He should be wearing a helmet.
Just about every Bruin came to play last night and look what happens when they do that? They fucking demolish the other team. Timmy continues to play absolutely out of his mind. This dude should win the Vezina and Hart trophy. Just give it to him right now, NHL. No other player has meant more to his team's success than Timmy.
Couple things:
-Marchand had possibly his best game as a Bruin. His offensive talent is developing quickly and teams have started to notice. I really like the line he is on and everyone is clicking.
-Patty Cake continues his dominance as of late. Remember that Sega game NBA Jam? Your guy would catch on fire after making three shots in a row and Patty is burning up. I'll be worried though if he grabs the puck and tries to dunk.
-Kampfer is showing no ill-effects from his recent nose rearrangment at the hands of Chara's stick. Locch looked a bit rusty but that's expected. I thought that Stuart played a solid game and it was good to see Lonewolf jump to Stuart's aid after that cheapshot at the end of the game. Not that Stuart needs help in physical matters, but it's good to see teammates sticking up for each other.
-Chara had a great game and not just because of the three goals. He played all three zones and was a dominant force. He looked like a happy seven year old out there after scoring his third and it appears that the boys are having fun right now.
-Where was the response from the Canes? I didn't think that they would sit back and take a shelling like this. Their stupid backup goalie tried to get things going by dryhumping Evil Wheeler's leg and then pushing Patty Cake down...but I think his team was just shaking their heads at him. What a mook.
They play again tonight, and if I were Paul Maurice, I would kick them all in the nuts as they walk in the rink tonight. It might turn out to be a decent game.
Go B's.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Good Sign?

Usually before each B's game I get a good feeling about how the game is going to go. I'd like to guess that 85% of the time I'm right. This morning, even after watching D3 with my boy, I still didn't have a gut feeling on which way the game was going to. At least not until I heard growling in the other room and walked in to find my one year old attacking his pillow penguin with a B's jersey on. Now I feel it. Pens don't stand a chance.

Friday, January 14, 2011

That's How It's Done

I think I'm still sweating from the game last night. It's rare that a game mid-way through the season looks like a Game 7, but last night's did. There were constant 2 on 1 rushes (both ways), hits and some rough stuff. The boys showed some fortitude refusing to back down from the Flyers and continued pushing. Good things happen when you keep skating, and last night they skated their blades dull.
Couple things:
-Fake Wheeler has become Evil Wheeler. He has grown out a goatee and I'm pretty sure he is channeling some dark power to be playing the way he is playing. Last night, for the third game in a row, he was a force. We forget how fast that dude can move when he wants and even when he didn't have the puck, he was moving like he was out there trying to kill a 5 on 3. Great hustle, great effort and he even got in someone's face. Great to see from Wheeler.
-Twitch Marchand (watch him on the bench, he's constantly moving or fucking with something, not like Monolith-cic, who looks like he powers down between shifts) is still surprising teams with his pure skating ability. I'm sure they're going to wise up at some point, as all teams have video guys that look at this stuff. But for pure craftiness and acceleration, there aren't many that can stand with Twitch. His goal was a fucking beautiful thing.
-I feel that Kampfer has cemented his spot with the team. I heard that Ference went down with an injury (that took longer than I thought it would) so he should continue to get time. His goal was also gorgeous (the ting off of the post is such a nice "fuck you" to the goalie). We haven't seen a d-man that can skate like that in a long goddamn time. Plus anyone that lights up Hartnell with a huge open-ice hit is okay in my book.
-Patty Cake is feeling it right now. He's putting up some monster numbers and last night he had a rush that he started behind Timmy, went all the way, and almost put it in. He's rolling right now and it's great to see.
-Seguin also had a solid game. Over the last few, he has really come alive and it appears that he has learned that he needs to bring effort every single night.
It was great to have a HUGE win over the Flyers. The only downside was that Pronger and Carcillo weren't playing. I'm sure they were off somewhere beating up nuns.
Go B's.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

When Everything Goes Right

Holy shit, what a game.
The boys were banging on all cylinders last night against a somewhat weak Senator team that can't seem to catch a break.
The Bruins smelled blood in the water and just kept pushing, and it was refreshing to see for once. They never backed off. I find this odd, as there they are, up by 6 goals, and they never stopped pushing. I wish that they could tap that same effort where they're up 3-2.
Couple things:
-Kampfer is such a smooth skater. I've said it before, but this kid is going to be good. He joins the rushes and if they don't pan out, he busts his ass to get back and play his position. It's great to see that hustle and even better to see a Bruin that doesn't hesitate to join in the rush. The Bruins will have to make a tough decision when Stuart gets healthy. As it stands right now, I would send Lonewolf back down, even though I like what he's showing as well. It's a good problem to have. And next time they show the bench during a break, look for Kampfer and you'll most likely see him singing along with whatever song they're playing in the rink. The kid is having a blast.
-After drawing oodles of my ire over the past two seasons, Fake Wheeler is looking good. He's banging bodies and isn't coasting through his shifts. He's on pace for 20 or so goals and could easily get more if he keeps this up.
-Props to Thornton for standing in there with a much larger man and trading punches. It's the first time all year I've seen Thornton take one that stunned him a bit, but that's going to happen. And HUGE props to Paille for sticking in there at the end of the game. Carkner wasn't happy that Paille threw a few after the linesman were in there, but what the fuck does he have to bitch about? Him going after Paille is the same as Chara going after a little girl. Shut your suck and see what happens the next time you see the Bruins, Carkner.
-Timmy had yet another shutout and his numbers look almost fake. They look the numbers of a goalie you made on NHL 2010 that isn't real...except Timmy is, and he once again showed what he can do.
-We forget that Patty Cake is only 25 years old, as he's been a fixture on the team for so long. He goes out there, does a great job in all three zones and will someday (probably sooner rather than later)wear the C. After he had two (as was the case in The Saturday Night Game We Don't Speak Of), I began wondering if he had ever had a hat trick. I couldn't recall one. I don't know what the replay officials were smoking when they gave him credit for that goal that went off of Gonchar's skates (possibly some left over 5 Hour Energy from Wheeler's locker). He looked like a shark right before he scored the third goal; the focus and determination on his face was quite a sight, and the goal he scored was just fucking beautiful. I think that Patty takes a lot of the pressures on this team onto his shoulders, and to see him smile (I challenge anyone to tell me when they saw him smile last) was great to see. It was truly a Patty Cake night at the Garden.
Flyers come to town on thursday and it will be a real test for the boys. They need to get ready for a fast and hard game. This is when they play their best.
Go B's.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Totally expecting to get blown out of the water last night, I was taking solace in the little things that the Bruins were doing.
-Their physical play picked up, with Fake Wheeler and Johnny Upchuk pretty much hitting everything in sight (yes, Wheeler, maybe he free-based a 5 Hour Energy Drink, I'm still not sure what got into him last night).
-Kampfer continues to impress me with his solid play (the kid is getting some good time on the PP and isn't afraid to rush the puck).
-Campbell is looking more and more like an absolute steal. He has quickly become one of the hardest grinders on the Bruins, and this makes up for the fact that his dad can't seem to make up his mind over what you should or shouldn't get suspended for.
-Looch was banging bodies, Recchi was go Go GOING all game, and Patty Cake had some great looks.
It's a game that I was prepared to lose 2 to 0, as at least they were showing some effort.
And then, I swear I heard it, the clock struck 12 for the Pens. They seemed to fold and implode...and for once, the Bruins came back.
Chara gets one with one of the weirdest knuckle-pucks I've ever seen. My fellow red-cheeked Brother Marchand put one in. And then Ol' Man Recchi, the ageless wonder, the senior statesman of hockey, the Centrum Silver Spokesman for Boston Bruins hockey, put the boys ahead. Campbell added the FYENGB (Fuck You, Empty Net Goal, Bitches). I was quite shocked and would have been jumping and down in the living room, undoubtedly putting my hands into the whirling ceiling fan if the Canuck hadn't been sleeping. This is probably a good thing, as today I would be on my stepladder with a sponge cleaning the blood and knuckle skin of off the blades and surrounding walls. Ever thrown a woodchuck into a woodchipper? I'm not saying I have, but I imagine the results would be about the same.
After the Saturday Night We Don't Speak Of, it was good to see the boys decide that they could do this. They pulled a similar stunt last time the teams played, scoring 5 (wow) goals to come back and win it. You get so used to the team waffling and blowing a lead and then losing in OT or the shootout that when it happens the other way around, you're really not sure what to say.
The Bruins face off against the Sens tonight, and these are generally entertaining games. Chris Neil should be out in full force and I'm hoping that someone on the B's will oblige him.
I may be late to the party, but if you haven't seen it yet, check out I don't know who the genius is that created this page, but I want to shake his/her hand and make them by me a new computer. You will too, after you read some of the quotes and spray Guinness all over the keyboard/screen. "My Irish half-brother Patrick Cleary." Priceless.
Go B's. Yeah, motherfucker.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Find Batman, Maybe He Can Beat These Pens

Tonight the Bruins enter into their ass-rapery segment of their schedule. They will be playing 37 games over the next 7 days and in these next 7 days, their view of the playoffs could drastically improve or settle down nice and low and spend some quality dirtbag time with the limp-wristed daffodils of the Northeast, the Toronto Maple Leafs (keep sucking boys, we got your pick AGAIN this year).
After saturday nights 3rd period/OT abortion, I'm hoping the boys will pull their heads out of their asses and realize that they need a 60 minute effort and not what they showed the other night.
The Pens, with or without Crosby, are once again putting up good numbers. The Bruins must do the same and start finding the back of the fucking net.
Couple things:
-Krejci is wasting a spot. Have you ever seen how fast he can skate when he wants to? He'll really GO about once every three games and it leaves me frustrated and pissed all the rest of the times that he just kind of glides around, undoubtedly humming "Afternoon Delight" to himself.
-Now would be a good time for Ryder to pick himself up and get hot and start pounding out some goals.
-No word on Horton yet, but regardless, Looch and Savvy need to be the big guns that they are and find their chemistry. Looch is once again trying to be too cute and forgetting that he needs to use his hits and size to gain some room to operate.
-Chara. You better start leading your team. I don't think I've ever called you out in this blog before, but you can only hide for so long. Tonight, set the pace. Hit everything in sight and play with that nasty edge that we know you have.
-Wouldn't be surprised if Tuukka got the start tonight.
That being said, I hope the boys put saturday night behind them and play this game like it's their last.
Go B's.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

They Know That Games Have 3 Periods, Right?

I think that I've calmed myself enough by now, but we'll see.
After playing a great game for the first 40 minutes, the Bruins simply failed to show up for the 3rd. No offense and little effort had me feeling that normal pit in my stomach, the ones that all fans of Bruins hockey have become accustomed to when they see that their team has engaged auto-pilot.
Anyone that reads this blog knows that I'm a huge fan of the physical games, the games of bloody noses, fights and hits galore.
What I'm not a fan of is what Chara did last night after the game-winning goal. Watching the replays, I saw that Pacioretty (or however the fuck you spell his name) gave Chara a little shove. Chara responded and managed to look the gorilla/sasquatch hybrid that he is so often accused of being. A little anger, fine. His actions, not okay in my book.
In my former profession, I'd run into the guys that would want to fight. If they wanted to stand toe-to-toe, fine. Although they were doing something illegal, there was some kind of fucked-up honor in that. They would inevitably lose, but at least they showed up for the dance.
Now the guys I couldn't stand were the ones that were no problem until they were in handcuffs, running their mouths through the cage and from the safety of a cruiser's back seat. My most-uttered retort? "Where were you when I was putting the cuffs on?"
It's easy to act tough when things are all over. What counts is how you handle yourself during the dance. Last night, Chara failed with flying fucking colors.
As the captain of the Bruins, he should be setting the tone. It should be a game-long effort, not something that is exhibited after the game is over. I've seen little to demonstrate that he is truly leading this team through the season. Yes, he plays crazy minutes every single game, but that alone does not make a leader. He must be accountable for his teammates and their effort and when it's not there, he should be calling them out. I'm sure he was frustrated after the loss, but he's being paid a shit ton of money to play a game and didn't talk to the press. What the fuck is that shit?
Maybe we were spoiled. Maybe we got so used to having Ray Bourque wear the C for so long that we took it for granted. Maybe we got so used to Bourque's classy behavior that anything that doesn't measure up looks weak. But I can say this without doubt: Chara did not have what it takes to wear the C last night. If a 4th line grinder doesn't want to talk to the press, fine. If the losing goalie doesn't want to talk to the press, fine. But the Captain of the team should bear up, set his jaw and face the fucking music. The C on the jersey is a mark of prestige in the NHL. Chara did not show that last night.
Frankly, his behavior has me feeling embarrassed for the Bruins. They looked like low-class thugs with their "fearless" Captain leading the way. At the moment, I'm not proud to be a Bruins fan.
This isn't the end of the season and there are a lot of games left. Something better be done to right the ship and establish some fucking accountability for the players that aren't playing up to the contracts (Looch, Savvy, Wheeler, etc.) or it's going to be a lost season.
Go B's.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

B's Drop 3-1 To The Wild

I work somewhat fucked up hours (I'm pretty sure like my fellow Xbox friend Winston Smith, who generally logs on about ten minutes after I do) and it's rare and quite a treat when I'm able to sit down and watch the game live...of course this means that I have to sit through the moronic, mouth-breather ramblings of Mike Milbury (I know one of these nights Kathryn is just going to flip the fuck out and tell him to shut his stupid fucking suck, and I'll have it on DVR, and I'll be able to watch it whenever I want), but you can't win 'em all, you know? I mean how can anyone think that Milbury knows a fucking thing about hockey? This is the guy that once climbed into the stands and hit a guy WITH HIS OWN SHOE, like some Italian grandmother that prays to spirits and spends three days cooking meatballs and wore black for five years when JFK was killed. Granted it was funny, but who the fuck fights like that? And anyone that wants to challenge me on my "he knows nothing about hockey" comment should research the following: look what he did to the Isles back when he was GM. He fucked them for years to come, trading away several of today's premier players and generally acting like a fucking mook. So suck it. And Noni Milbury can suck it, too. I lace my boots TIGHT, so if reads this blog, gets angry and shows up at my house, he ain't getting my chosen footware (Matterhorns, size 13) off.
The boys had a decent effort going until the phantom call against Thornton. He got called for a trip, but I watched the replay in super-slow-mo HD and I posit that the following happened: Thornton managed to catch the string of the tampon that the Wild player had carefully and with jittering hands inserted pre-game, laughing nervously saying "I've only used pads before this!" while Mikko Koivu undoubtedly sat in the next stall reading the instructions aloud ("first use your left hand to spread your labia ma....major...majora? Is that right, majora??") and advising him on the perils of TSS (if you don't know what that is, you never had sisters, and though I may envy you, sometimes they had hot friends that made having sisters tolerable...until they all laughed at you for wearing GI Joe underoos under your baseball pants...which you had put on to make the ladies think you were cool in the first place...self-defeating effort on my I MEAN my friend's part). When he moved his stick, the tampon came out, dropping a few salsa-like spots of blood on the ice. The ref that made the call was/is also on his period, and was feeling bloated, bitchy and was craving something with salt and chocolate in it (maybe a Hershey kiss rolled in salt, yum!) saw a fellow sister in pain and embarrassed, and made the call. I'm sure they're now curled up on the couch, eating fucking tostitos dipped in ice cream wrapped in laffy taffy and are having a good ol' girl talk about the mean words that Thornton uttered.
Like I said, I saw it all. It's right there in the replay if you look close enough.
So they bowed out tonight, but what the fuck. The boys have been on the road for like three years, getting 8 out of 10 points, and must be tired.
So I'm looking forward them beating the ever-loving shit out of the goddamn Habs on saturday night. It's too bad that Lapierre was traded, because he's the only punk on the Habs that even comes/came close to playing a physical game. And yes, I say that with the "fight" between David "My Sister Hits Harder" Krejci and Mike "My Penis Is Inverted, And By Inverted, I Mean I Have Mangina, Please Don't Pick On Me, I'm Having A Hard Time Pretending To Enjoy Playing In Montreal, Where Even The Strippers/Crack Whores At Super Sex Know My Average Time On Ice, I Mean Seriously, What Does A Guy Have To Do Just To Get A Little Tug Job From A Chick And Not Think About Hockey For Three Fucking Seconds" Cammilleri in mind, because I wasn't too impressed.
The boys better be ready to play saturday night, and I better be impressed, otherwise the troopers will be trying to subdue me as I fling my own feces at the team bus as they head south on I89 underneath the overpass by Carter Hill Road. It's close enough to my house...even closer if I'm drunk and on rollerblades. Some of it's downhill and I'll be getting a ride back in a green and gold cruiser, so I don't even need to bring water to stay hydrated.
I'm just saying.
Go B's.