Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving, Motherfuckers

10 fucking wins a row. I haven't been this happy with Bruins hockey since they won the Cup. Granted, that wasn't all too long ago, but I could get kicked in the taint with a pair of steel toes right now and still come away smiling.
I was able to score a press pass to the locker room after the game in Buffalo last night and asked a few of the Bruins what they're thankful for:
Zdeno Chara: "No criminal charges from the province of Quebec."
Timmy Thomas: "I've had seven straight wins! My wife promised me backdoor love after I got six!! What's going to happen with seven? Gosh, my mind is spinning with the possibilities!"
Tyler Seguin: "Can't talk, playing Modern Warfare 3. PREDATOR MISSILE UP THE ASS, BITCHES!!!"
Brad Marchand: "The velcro tabs I had surgically implanted on my shoulders to help keep my shirts on. They've been a godsend.
Benoit Pouliot: "The shootout winner, baby! That'll buy me AT LEAST two or three bullshit minors before I'm back in the doghouse! Yeah, baby!"
Adam McQuaid: "The mullet shampoo my mom sent me. It smells like pears and parsley. The ladies love it."
Timmy Thomas: "Maybe it will be two Swedish chicks!!!"
Chris Kelly: "Me llamo Sanchez Kelly. Me gusta...ahhh..como se dice green card en espanol?"
Rich Peverley: (laughing like a crazy hobo) "The fucking fact that I was traded to a Cup contender, WON the Cup and don't have to live in Winnipeg!! I mean, holy fuck, would someone please pinch me?"
David Krejci: "snnnnnnnnoooooooooooorrrrrrrrrreee......sniffff......snnoooore...what? Is it time for the game? I must have slept through it. When's pre-game?"
Andrew Ference: "I would just like to remind everyone to properly dispose of all the plastic silverware that will undoubtedly be used on this holiday. Baby seals and seagulls can ingest a plastic fork, thereby causing them to stop gaining nutrients from any food they may find. Oh yeah, and hug a tree or I'll kick your fucking ass and truss you up on the handlebars of my eco-friendly Huffy and peddle all over Boston, inviting people to laugh and throw biodegradable objects."
Tuukka Rask: "I get to play again this season, right? Okay, cool."
Timmy Thomas: "What if they're wearing a thong? Or maybe it's some kind of underwear I've never seen before."
At this point, security kicked me out, where I found still-concussed Ryan Miller making beef stew out of rotten buffalo wings and urine. He said it has some kind of healing properties, but I'm not so sure that he's an actual shaman...more like a whiny baby that forgot he was playing a contact sport.
So Happy Thanksgiving to all. Red Wings tomorrow. I'm feeling kind of "meh" about this game, as Detroit doesn't really get the dander up. Maybe they'll drag Darren McCarty out of whatever whorehouse he is currently living in, strap some skates on him and tell him to cool Lucic. Now THAT would prove entertaining.
Go B's.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I Ain't Gettin' Him No Fuckin' Bagel what Rick "Sand In My Vagina" DiPietro must have been thinking after he was yanked last night. The only thing rougher than that game for the Isles was the fact that "Let's go Bruins" was being chanted so loud that I thought the Garden had undergone some kind of ghetto-fied transition. How nasty is that arena? The security team wears Limp Bizkit concert-esque shirts (that's two Limp Bizkit references in the last two blogs, for those keeping score at home) and I'm pretty sure players were dodging chunks of concrete falling from the roof after every Bruin goal. If the Olympic Stadium and a dead crack whore had a baby, it would look like that arena.
And the Isles head coach? Jesus Christ. He looks like that asshole that has one too many Budweisers on his monthly "date" at TGI Fridays and then gets arrested in the parking lot later for domestic assault.
How good is our chosen team right now? The test will come this week.
With the "criminal probe" against Chara officially and FUCKING FINALLY closed, the fans in Montreal will let bygones be bygones.
Wait, no they won't. They'll continue to bitch about it and run their marble-filled mouths, booing the boys at every turn. What I'm trying to get at is that we'll see how the Bruins will decide to play in the most hostile of arenas while trying to push their streak to 9 games in a row. To me, this is a huge fucking game. A loss to the Habs tomorrow night wouldn't spell the end of the season that is finally going in the right direction, but it would leave a sour taste in my mouth nonetheless.
They just have to continue to play their hockey. Fuck Subban and the midget with the goatee. Fuck the obnoxious fans that leave if their team goes down by three goals in the first five minutes. Fuck their stupid U2 goal song (What's the difference between God and Bono? God doesn't walk around Dublin thinking he's Bono). And fuck the fact that the Habs are the one team that seem to be able to get into the heads of the Bruins.
The boys have to play focused hockey tomorrow night. They can't get distracted by the fact that they have put on the foil...snicker...and be ready to face..snicker...the badass Sabres...snicker...wednesday night. I'm sure Miller will be up in the press box, all concussed, tossing used tampons at Lucic from seventy feet above.
Big game tomorrow night. The boys have to score often and fucking skate. They always seem to hold back and hunker down during the first ten minutes of games against the Habs. I say fuck that. I say skate skate SKATE from the first puck drop and drive those fuckers through the boards. Don't let up and put pucks on net and let's see if Bruins fans can take over the Bell Centre like they did the arena of the Islanders.
Monday night. Bruins versus Canadiens. God and country. Subban and an apparent love of throwing haymakers that make him fall down go boom. Sanchez Kelly and his efforts. Paille and his cage. Chara and his STILL FUCKING CLEAN CRIMINAL RECORD. Seguin and his hot ass, HANDS, I MEAN HANDS. Horty and his nasty wrister. Hall and Oates.
Go B's.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Keep Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

Seven fucking games in a ROW has me so excited I'm quoting Limp Bizkit. Now excuse me while I put on a Yankees cap and act like a douche.
I can't remember last time the Bruins scored goals like they have been as of late. The SO win against Columbus aside, the boys are scoring like a frat house that just got a fresh shipment of GHB on the first weekend of college. Actually, that's not an apt comparison. The Bruins are just scoring goals, not committing felonies on daddy's dime.
What's going right? Everything.
The goaltending is there. Production from all four lines is there. Physical, nasty play is there. The only thing missing is Brad Marchand taking his shirt off and dancing on the half-wall.
This is the team we know. This is the team we cheer for. Apparently gone are the hang dogs that were wearing the uniforms to start the season. It's a long season and weird shit can happen, but I'm hoping that we won't have to endure what we were put through earlier in the season. It felt like being stationed in Richford for all of July and August, when the weather is hot, muggy and the welfare checks are late. Good things don't happen.
Couple things:
-How fucking good is Patty Cake? Goddamn, I know I give him cyber-head with almost every post, but goddamn, how fucking good is he? I'd carry his child. I might even breast-feed it if he asked nicely. I know for a FACT that I would at least pump.
-Chiarelli's trades for Pevs and Chris "Sanchez" Kelly may just go down amongst the wiliest of all-time. These guys bring so much to this team.
-Seguin almost threw a body check last game! I saw it with meeeee own eyes, I did! Once he does that, it will be proof that he has finally transistioned into full-on swingin' balls (note the plural, Kessel) manhood. He is on the cusp...previous comments aside.
-I have come to the decision that I will breast feed Patty Cake's child.
Word on the street (okay, Twitter, but it's the same as a seedy, dark, night-walker infested street) has it that a bunch of the boys play Modern Warfare. This is my sad, pathetic call to all Bruins players and fans...come find me. ANGERFIST25103. Add me. Come play with me. I know my way around a SCAR, rocking the red dot (Omega sights) with the suppressor. I can't promise that I won't kick my Xbox through the window in excitement if I actually hear from one of you. I'll give a passphrase....I'm thinking "Harry Sinden likes scotch" works. Or maybe "Marshy's cheeks are redder than mine". Either way, drop me a line. And WinstonSmith, we have to do some Team Deathmatch.
Several big games coming up next week. The boys will be in Buffalo and I'm sure those meanie pants that call themselves "hockey players" will try and do something to Looch OR whoever is tending net for the Bruins. I almost laugh at it, because the meanest guy on the Sabres makes David Krejci look like a cock-swaggering pugilist.
Saturday night. Bruins hockey. I love America.
Go B's.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

You Can Thank Me Now

I'm just going to go ahead and take full credit for the winning streak the boys are currently enjoying.
It has absolutely nothing to do with any of the following:
-the offense finally coming alive and outscoring their opponents something like 957-6 over the last four games
-Looooooch finally parking his ass in front of the net and getting his nose dirty
-the man-child Tyler Fuckin Seguin finding another level and making everyone else look like they are in stuck in ssssssllllllowwwwwwwwww motion
-Krejci finally waking the fuck up and realizing that he needs to skate
-playing the hard and nasty, but not stupid and dirty, brand of hockey that paid such huge dividends last year
-Johnny Upchuk getting some rockets through from the point
-Corvo finally remembering how to make some slick passes on the PP
-Chris Kelly's steady influence each time he is on the ice, regardless of who he is playing with
-Patty Cake's example-setting efforts and habits that I would gladly pay $10 million a season for
-Goal and defensive support for Tuukka
As I stated, it has NOTHING to do with that. It has everything to do with the fact that I haven't posted any new blogs. I'm a team player and I knew the boys would eventually realize that they were letting me down. So like I said, you can thank me now. I accept cash, personal checks and sexual favors from attractive women that wear the wedding ring I bought for them. So you're fucking welcome. My imagined inattention to the actions of the Bruins have brought about this winning streak. NOW DON'T LET ME DOWN YOU FUCKERS. KEEP PLAYING THIS BRAND OF HOCKEY AND WE'LL BE WATCHING YOU RAISE THE CUP AGAIN IN A FEW MONTHS.
Sabres tonight. Hockey on a saturday night. Fuck yeah.
Go B's.