Exponential Douchebaggery

Canadien's Class of 2009 Superlatives

Mike Komisarek - Most Likely to be in the Middle of Shit

I start off this list with my least hated Hab. Simply because he is the only one with a pair of balls you can see without a microscope. He plays tough and because the Bruins don't like to repeatedly beat up women, he often bears the grunt of their force. If he goes to a real team this summer, I'll change his superlative to Most Likely to Succeed.

Andrei Markov - Best Defensemen

Oh wait, the only decent defenseman the Habs have is hurt? Isn't that a pity.

Tomas Plecanek - Most Invisible

Does he still play on the Habs?

Maxim Laperrier/Ryan O'Byrne (Tie)- Most Likely to be Killed

The Bruins will only take so much of yappers and turtlers who won't back up their bark. Neely's been teaching the B's the art of throwing a turtler head first into the boards all week. Hnidy may bypass all of that though and just stab them.


Andrei Kostitsyn- Most Ugly

Even Habs fans need to agree.


Josh Georges - Highest Scoring Defenseman

On his own freaking goal. hahaahaha.

Alexei Kovalev - Most Likely to play Hooky, not Hockey

Kovy cares more about Kovy than anything else in the world. Will he show up?? Nah. He's a self centered pussy to the tenth degree.

George Laraques - Class Clown

This big piece of nothing hasn't done anything substantial in the enforcer role. He's pretty much a 253 lb joke on skates. Nice braids Beyonce.


Saku Koivu - Class Slasher/Diver

This little fucker gets away with murder. If the ref's don't make him pay the B's will.


Carey Price - Headcase of the Class

I almost gave this superlative to Kovalev, but when it came down to it, Kovy isn't a headcase, he's a prick. Carey on the other hand was this moldable, nice, country loving young man who was totally mindfucked by Montreal(remember Jocelyn Thibault?). His confidence is as shaky has his performances. I'm just glad the B's aren't facing the Price they faced last year at playoff time.

Canadiens Fanbase/Media/Organization- Most Delusional

You love them, you hate them, you want to tear down Montreal, you want to build it even bigger. You're love/hate for the Habs is like a yo-yo. Quite entertaining really. You always think the Has are better than they are and you always think they are worse than they are. Down some Xanex and chill. And btw, the fact that Price was awarded the Molson Cup, aka, Habs Player of the Year, just put the nail in the delusional column for me. Perhaps you're trying to give the little headcase a slap in the ass before the playoffs, but personally, if someone gave me an employee of the year award after I lost the company's funds, I think I'd see it as a slap in the face not an encouraging pat on the bottom. I don't care how many effing stars he accrued. Tards.

Where are the Big, Gay Waldo's?

When running a business and generating ideas, nothing should be off limits. Brainstorming wild, crazy, ideas is where great ideas are born. However, there must also be a step in that process in which someone says, "that is the worst idea ever", and said idea is thrown out.

Apparently, the Canadiens did not have that filter working while selecting yesterday's jersey. They were ugly, stupid, and almost gave me a seizure. I had to sit really still on my couch to prevent throwing up. It also proved that the Kostitsyn's COULD be uglier. However, the fact they looked like clowns just added to the B's new dominance over this previously unbeatable team. Also evident was the lines being drawn. Obvi Kovi is not happy. Carbo took his C back (tear). Team 990 is also suggesting that this rift goes beyong Commarade Douchebag and extends to all the Commies. The Russians and the rest of the team are not getting along. That'll help them get back on top! (Cue,the Habs collapse in five, four, three, two...)

But enough about them. Timmy was back in his natural form, no longer looking tired and shaky as he did against NJ. And my love for Thornton just keeps on growing. All enforcers who are being edged out of the new NHL need to study his every move. He is a fighter, he is our goon, but he's unbelievably smart about when and where he uses this tool. He has also used this edge to get himself to the net. No other team in the NHL plays their 4th freakin line on a regular shift like the B's and that alone is finally, finally making me think...dare I say it...The B's may very well win the Cup this year. Oh man, tingles.

On a side now, I no longer feel like crazy about my theories about the Evil Enchilada. On Thursday night's broadcast, Jack Edward's said Manny had gone in for back surgery. I have DVR and rewound it three times. I was not dreaming it. On Saturday however, in the Globe, Manny was at the Garden, doing an interview and said he had a knee issue, "obviously from last year". So this little As the World Turns saga really get more odd as the days pass, but who the fuck cares where Manny is as long as he stays away from the rink. I heart TT and Tukka.

Whaattt???

So I step away from the Bruins for two freakin days to get married and come back to...well I'm not sure what I'm coming back to. I feel like Bush at a spelling bee. It seems as though the Evil Enchilada is back in his fucktard form. Rask is up, EE's name plate is off of his locker (please note that Sturm, who is def out of the season still has his name plate up in the room). Have I underestimated the good vibes of Timmy? Makes sense that as soon as I let Manny off my hate list, he'd do this.

Kessel has been riding his fame and kissing too many skanks and have come down with the Mono. Funny though, because rumors out of Montreal are saying that Price may have the Mono. Perhaps Phillip has been kissing one skank in particular.

Lucic? WTF. Since he is the only B with an "undisclosed" injury, I'm wondering if the Golden Boy in Boston is getting too big for his britches. Needs to be knocked down a few notches by Claude as he did with Kessel last season.

And Claude. Sneaky, Sneaky Claude. This secret spy shit isn't for him, but he's doing his best to cultivate this cloud of mystery over the B's. I don't have much new to say about the Habs as I've been wicked busy just trying to keep up with the B's. Kovalev is still a commie, Kostitsyn's are still ugly as sin, Price is still a bitch. All you need to know.

Regardless of what has or is going down, the B's need to summon the hockey gods and the baby B's called up need to play their shit off. I am headed to this game tonight with my new husband who will be donning a Koivu jersey. (PUKE PUKE). I do need to sew on a letter for him though and will be chanting a hex over at as I go. Here's to hoping the B's prove their depth and that my marriage of 3 days can endure our first B's/Habs game as a married couple.

And for the record, on my wedding day, I found time to down some beers and watch the B's. Salute!

Marriage: Already ruining my life

So not only did I have a chance to go to tonight's game against the B's and Habs, but I can't even watch the game. Tonight marks the start of our Pre Cana course. Apparently we will learn how Jesus will save our marriage and how not to use birth control and have 40 kids. We may need divine intervention however, if this marriage between a crazy B's fan and Habs fan is going to stand the test of time (especially when I begin my plan to turn our children into my own little B's fan army).

Hopefully with the self combustion of the Sox on the horizon, Boston fans will turn their attention to the B's tonight and show them a little love as they take on their nemesis and biggest threat. I hate to say it, but the Habs are freakin good. Really good. Saying that gives me the taste of a sour burp in my mouth, but alas it is true. I've watched their last two games, and they just don't stop. Their offensive is always on the attack. Fuck.

At least Timmy T, who thank the freakin lord, will be starting tonight is used to getting completely hammered with shots. Ryder is hungry for revenge (note photo) and could also be a blessing tonight if he lights it up a couple times. Expect Laraque to be back tonight. Habs will need a big guy on the ice tonight, because if all else fails for the B's, they'll just resort to kicking ass literally. And look for Kovalev's lack of glowing mullet. Sporting a new shorter and someone manlier do, probably due to the fact the Kostitsyn brother's where trying to make him their girlfriend.

Should be a humdinger tonight boys!

GO BOSTON!

Bears Rejoice!

It is official that Timmy T will not be bow hunting bear this May. Bear hunting, ironically enough, is a tradition for this Bruins goaltender. Why isn't Timmy taking up his old past time? Playoffs, family, age, who knows... I personally think that he is thinking about Karma. Bruins don't kill bears. He has not shut the door on a possible open season on Ribeiro's, Avery's, and Kovalev's.