Exponential Douchebaggery

Canadien's Class of 2009 Superlatives

Mike Komisarek - Most Likely to be in the Middle of Shit

I start off this list with my least hated Hab. Simply because he is the only one with a pair of balls you can see without a microscope. He plays tough and because the Bruins don't like to repeatedly beat up women, he often bears the grunt of their force. If he goes to a real team this summer, I'll change his superlative to Most Likely to Succeed.

Andrei Markov - Best Defensemen

Oh wait, the only decent defenseman the Habs have is hurt? Isn't that a pity.

Tomas Plecanek - Most Invisible

Does he still play on the Habs?

Maxim Laperrier/Ryan O'Byrne (Tie)- Most Likely to be Killed

The Bruins will only take so much of yappers and turtlers who won't back up their bark. Neely's been teaching the B's the art of throwing a turtler head first into the boards all week. Hnidy may bypass all of that though and just stab them.


Andrei Kostitsyn- Most Ugly

Even Habs fans need to agree.


Josh Georges - Highest Scoring Defenseman

On his own freaking goal. hahaahaha.

Alexei Kovalev - Most Likely to play Hooky, not Hockey

Kovy cares more about Kovy than anything else in the world. Will he show up?? Nah. He's a self centered pussy to the tenth degree.

George Laraques - Class Clown

This big piece of nothing hasn't done anything substantial in the enforcer role. He's pretty much a 253 lb joke on skates. Nice braids Beyonce.


Saku Koivu - Class Slasher/Diver

This little fucker gets away with murder. If the ref's don't make him pay the B's will.


Carey Price - Headcase of the Class

I almost gave this superlative to Kovalev, but when it came down to it, Kovy isn't a headcase, he's a prick. Carey on the other hand was this moldable, nice, country loving young man who was totally mindfucked by Montreal(remember Jocelyn Thibault?). His confidence is as shaky has his performances. I'm just glad the B's aren't facing the Price they faced last year at playoff time.

Canadiens Fanbase/Media/Organization- Most Delusional

You love them, you hate them, you want to tear down Montreal, you want to build it even bigger. You're love/hate for the Habs is like a yo-yo. Quite entertaining really. You always think the Has are better than they are and you always think they are worse than they are. Down some Xanex and chill. And btw, the fact that Price was awarded the Molson Cup, aka, Habs Player of the Year, just put the nail in the delusional column for me. Perhaps you're trying to give the little headcase a slap in the ass before the playoffs, but personally, if someone gave me an employee of the year award after I lost the company's funds, I think I'd see it as a slap in the face not an encouraging pat on the bottom. I don't care how many effing stars he accrued. Tards.

The B's gave you that point so they can kick your ass in the playoffs

Last night's game was a little redonk, but in a good way. They B's showed they are the tougher, better, and believe it or not classier team (see when O'Byrne turtled like a bitch after he bumped Thornton).

Yes, the B's may be a little rough around the edges, a little raw, and yes one has a fumanchu, but they out classed the Habs in every way last night. (Yes, Looch got a little out of hand last night, but who wouldn't want to give Komo a little face wash?)

Player of the game for me? Lil Patty. He really found his game last night. He was a bad ass and played beautifully. Maybe buzzing his shiny, girly, Quebec, hair brought him back to life.

Favorite Moment of the Night? Reading Thornton's mouth as he yelled to a terrified O'Byrne in the next penalty box over. I'm pretty sure it had notes of, I'm going to fucking kill you, You're dead, etc. Hnidy is brandishing a shiv for Thornton for the next match up so he can make good on his promise. I've missed you the past few games my friend.

I don't have much more as I am in a bit of mourning this morning for the Catamounts, although I'm proud of their effort. I leave you with some words.


A word to Special Jack:
Refer to the picture above. I don't know how you would "toboggan" as a child, but this really doesn't relate. A conga line 'o fight would be more appropriate. Also, I have taken 6 years of Latin, got a 780 in verbal on my SATs and I still had to look up a word you used last night. I still love you in your own "special" way though.

And finally a word to NESN:
I have a rant coming up, reminiscent of when I told you to go fuck yourselves last year. Pretty much consists of the same content, but I plan to make it a tad bit more mean this time around. Stay Tuned.

Celine Dion looking to bid for the Habs along with Cirque du Soleil Founder

No joke. I couldn't make that shit up. And I thought they couldn't get any gayer. Maybe next year the Habs will hit the ice by repelling from the ceiling on glittery ropes. Or the new goal song will be, My Heart Will Go On. Kovy will skate around the ice after each goal, golden hair blowing in the wind, ice dancing, with a tear in his eye. And the Queebs will rejoice, reapply their hair gel and sip their overly sweetened Cokes.

The B's REALLY have to take care of business tonight. Men vs. Celine's future bitches. It's a thing of beauty.

While the Bruins are on Spring Break...

Since the B's have a 10 week break between games right now (and then finish up the season playing almost every other night), I've been able to focus my attention on other games. And last night was a good night to start. It looks like the B's not only proved their Eastern Conference dominance, but set Marty on a shaky course. Flyers owned the Devils, 4-2, last night which is much needed due to the fact the B's can't make the distance between them and NJ til the weekend. While the Bruins have one of the shorter schedules left, this week will see the other teams like NJ playing catch up and will be pretty even with games left by Saturday.
Panthers beat Hurricane's with a score of 4-2 last night and are now tied with the Habs for 8th. But as it stands, Habs win the tie breaker. I swear Gillette bought some points in January when no one was looking. How can such a sucky team still be in it? Florida plays Philly tonight, Habs play Atlanta. Hopefully the Thrashers can muster only a little suckiness tonight so the Habs will be suckier than them. Bottomline is, Panthers win and Habs lose tonight, Habs are FINALLY out of the top 8.
B's catch a flight from Cancun on Friday to face the Leafs on Saturday. Let's hope they shake off their tans and hangovers enough to start making that gap between themselves and the Devils a chasm.

Brodeur's St. Patrick's Day Party

I don't know any real Bruins fan who can say they LIKE Patrick Roy. It should be impossible to get those words out of your mouth. It's like saying you liked the bout of staph infection you struggled with in the 90's.
So I have been pretty happy to watch Martin Brodeur climb to the top of the record books and finally overtaking Roy's 551 wins last night. He's much easier on the eyes than Roy as well. And how fitting to do it on St. Patrick's Day.

Congratulations Marty! Now that you have the record, I herby hex you to suck ass the rest of the season and playoffs.

Whaattt???

So I step away from the Bruins for two freakin days to get married and come back to...well I'm not sure what I'm coming back to. I feel like Bush at a spelling bee. It seems as though the Evil Enchilada is back in his fucktard form. Rask is up, EE's name plate is off of his locker (please note that Sturm, who is def out of the season still has his name plate up in the room). Have I underestimated the good vibes of Timmy? Makes sense that as soon as I let Manny off my hate list, he'd do this.

Kessel has been riding his fame and kissing too many skanks and have come down with the Mono. Funny though, because rumors out of Montreal are saying that Price may have the Mono. Perhaps Phillip has been kissing one skank in particular.

Lucic? WTF. Since he is the only B with an "undisclosed" injury, I'm wondering if the Golden Boy in Boston is getting too big for his britches. Needs to be knocked down a few notches by Claude as he did with Kessel last season.

And Claude. Sneaky, Sneaky Claude. This secret spy shit isn't for him, but he's doing his best to cultivate this cloud of mystery over the B's. I don't have much new to say about the Habs as I've been wicked busy just trying to keep up with the B's. Kovalev is still a commie, Kostitsyn's are still ugly as sin, Price is still a bitch. All you need to know.

Regardless of what has or is going down, the B's need to summon the hockey gods and the baby B's called up need to play their shit off. I am headed to this game tonight with my new husband who will be donning a Koivu jersey. (PUKE PUKE). I do need to sew on a letter for him though and will be chanting a hex over at as I go. Here's to hoping the B's prove their depth and that my marriage of 3 days can endure our first B's/Habs game as a married couple.

And for the record, on my wedding day, I found time to down some beers and watch the B's. Salute!

Tortured? Nah.

Fan Nation, a SI run blog, named Boston Bruins fans as the 4th most tortured fans in sports.

Yes, the B's have made me cry, swear, hit, throw things, swear off hockey, and worse, but after being amidst the whole team and Heath Bar Crunch last night, tortured does not properly express how I feel at the moment.

This rare gesture of accessibility and fan interaction was a good step in the right direction of getting Bruins fans back on board. I am a die hard fan, and would put up with heartbreaking losses until the day I die, but I am few and far between.

The B's need to continue their efforts to meet their fans, but much more important than that, they need to win. And win big.

Game 6 of last year's playoffs for the B's was winning big. Sleepy B's fans woke up and realized that this current team under the leadership of Julien was one worth watching. They are not disappointing, they are exciting. They are not tired, they are rejuvenated.

While I appreciate the sympathy from Fan Nation, I will happily decline the title. I am not tortured, I am excited. The B's are young, hungry, and with Cam Neely running the show, I think they want it more than the fans do.

P.S. Claude signed the Habs Suck shirt too...

My Bruins senses are tingling...

For the second year in a row, the B's took a preseason trip to Stowe, and rested their heads just 15 miles from my house. Must be why I slept so peacefully last night.
As the B's settled in to the Ten Acres Lodge, Timmy T snuck off to his first B-Town, to grab a pint at What Ales You for old times sake. He was probably quickly dismayed to find it has turned into a St. Mike's hang out and left dissapointed.

This year the boys will spend 3 days, 1 day longer than last, and most likely fall in love with the place all over again, vow to buy summer homes on the Lake and invite me over for BBQ's and to oil up Looch and Andrew all summer.

They took 31 players to Stowe, and will most likely dump 8 or 9 next week. Really, the only one who's a shoe in is Wheeler. The rest will have a strong year in Providence, but Lashoff needs to go. I'm over the kid. He's been on the cusp for too long now and it's time he tried elsewhere. Perhaps the Stowe Raiders
need to bloster their D this season.

On Wednesday the boys invade Montreal for a preseason game with the Habs. I had tickets, but ended up selling them to my Pops. I'm a good daughter, eh?

In addition to having to deal with the annoying OLE'S! of the Hab fans, the B's may have to sit through the Hab's new goal song. It's a gay reworking of a Simple Plan song (yeah, apparently they are still around), called Go Habs Go. Did I mention it was gay . I've been reading some Habs blogs and even Habs fans are pissed about it. I really didn't think they could have anything worse than Vertigo, but apparently they out gayed even themselves.

I was kinda hoping that the Habs would score 5 goals on the game I'm going to 12/4 against the Rangers because you get 8 free wings at La Cage Aux Sports ( 5 buts, 8 Ailes!), but I don't think 8 free wings will kill the pain of hearing that song 5 times. Pray for a shut out by the B's on Wednesday. Even if Manny is playing.

Begin/Carbo/Habs Fans: Stop Whining

Stevie, please stop crying because a big mean man hit you. You are a vet, you are a "tough guy" in Queeb standards, so when a guy bigger than you comes after you, don't cry about it with your coach after the game. Be a man, stop being a bitch.

In a brighter note: Patrice!
Words to not describe how happy I am seeing him back in black.

On a retarded note: Manny. Yeah, yeah, you won, but you faced 10 shots. Big whoop.

On a false sense of hysteria note: Listening to 990 and Habs fans are already freaking out. Whining about the pressure of just being the Habs, pressure of 100th celebration, how it will lead to a collapse, yada yada yada yada, blah blah blah.

Chill out people. You still have a great team. Don't jump off the Pont Champlain if they lose big in a game. The sun will still rise, Kovelev will still have a perfect golden mullet and the Kostisyen brothers will still be ugly as hell. Take some xanex and relax.

So we haven't posted since July...so what?

Sherriff broke his back and I've been in wedding bedlam. Besides a few mid summer nights dreams about Lucic sunbathing a top a Canadian waterfall, I really haven't thought about much besides centerpieces, cakes, and dresses. And sheriff has been so doped up on pain killers his posts would have belonged on Terry Gilliam's blog.
Anyway, a chill is in the air, and I am off to Bruins Training camp this weekend. Hopefully my love for this team will return in full force and save me before I become a full fledged Bridezilla.

And to my fellow Bruins fans, I must apologize in advance. I will be attending the Habs Centennial Celebration on 12/4. And they aren't even playing the Bruins. Love does crazy things to you kids. Since they are playing the Rangers, I can't root for anything except the beer man who will hopefully frequent our section. The only satisfaction I will receive from this is that there are many Habs fans who would love to attend this celebration, and I will be wasting their ticket. And I will try to put a hex on Kovey.

Please stay tuned, as sheriff and I will have a season opener shortly.

Going, going...

The Habs try to act all french with their little frenchy coach and Maxipad, but really people, we know what's going on. They are Rouge, Rouge, and Rouge all over. The commie sect taking over the Habs can no longer be ignored. And as much as I hate the Flyers, they are taking on the role of Charlie Wilson, and stopping the Commies from progressing.
Keep your heads high and alert Philly. You have almost won the war, but you never know when Comrade Kovalev could actually decide to stay and fight. Good Luck!

Really though, the only way I can deal with the Flyers progressing in the playoffs is looking at is as a win for the USA.

An open letter to the Montreal Canadiens:

An open letter to the Montreal Canadiens:

Suckmy Koivu: We know that you're not injured. We know that you're afraid of the Bruins. It's okay, the thought of seeing Lucic thundering down the wing coming for your ass makes me cringe, too. I would LOVE to see it, but it's just that I don't want Looch to have a promising career cut short by an involuntary manslaughter charge. So go on and keep pretending that you're injured. What is it? A knee injury? An undisclosed upper-body injury? Bullshit. A Hollywood insider told me that you're a stunt double for Simon in the sequel for Alvin and The Chipmunks, which is currently in pre-production. Guess you should use those gorgeous little chompers for something, huh?

Steve Begin: It's called Propecia. You should check it out. And stop smirking. It is quite un-becoming. You make me think of a jack-o-lantern that is still on the porch in mid-January. You can kind of tell that it used to be a pumpkin, but now it's green, caved-in, and probably smells like a truckstop hooker's panties.

The Brother's Kostitsyn: With the mullets that you guys have going on, the closest you'll ever get to a woman is the fact that "tit" is in the middle of your last name. Go back to whatever little trash hometown you guys came from, crank up some shitty euro-pop (I'm thinking Auqa), and leave the NHL alone. The world will be a better place for it. One of Terry O'Reilly's pubes has more testosterone than you two dipshits put together.

Roman Hamrlik: Where did you come from?? You've been in the league since 1943, when all the real players left to go fight in World War II. Have the sense to retire before osteoporosis makes your bones as brittle as Guy Lafleur's son's tremulous grip on his freedom.

Guillaume Latendresse: Congratulations, punk. You've taken the title of goofiest name ever from Peter Sidorkiewicz. Go to Denny's, grab an All-American Slam (it will do you good), go home to whatever beaver lodge you emerged from, and resume your hunting and trapping lifestyle. We're all stocked up on pelts here.

Guy Carbonneau: Seeing your craggy face in HD made me gag. Have one of the Kostitsyn boys grab you a pamphlet detailing the usage of Botox. Who knows, it might get you laid. I feel bad for you wife.

The hockey player formerly known as Alexei Kovalev: So you think that dropping the "ei" at the end of your name would make people forget that you're a Commie? I have a dossier on you that's a mile thick, comrade. Even though you dropped those two letters, your country of origin is still readily apparent. Nothing could hide your Chernobyl-fallout-wind pallor that has blighted the NHL for years upon years. You know what I'm talking about. Federov has it, too. It's that "I've been eating snow with radiation in it for years and years. My bones are paper thin from having to subsist on potato vodka. I dream that I can retire to Miami, Florida, where the weather is warm, the women loose, and I can listen to as much Abba as I please." I don't know when you decided to suddenly play hockey, as you've coasted for years. Do I need to mention the infamous "slash" from Glen Murray that must have pureed your wrist last time around? As Peter Worrell said a few years ago, "I've hit my girlfriend harder than that." Do you and the aforementioned Kostitsyn brothers go to the same stylist? You must walk in, point to the picture titled "Le Douche." and sit down in the chair, huh? You've been cheated, son. I would ask for a refund. GO BOSTON

Sheriff25