Put on the foil, fellow brother!

The last few weeks have seen the Bruins playing some strange hockey. Gone was the overwhelming goal scoring, missing was the smooth transition game they had been playing, and flat out dead was the physical play that had marked the first dream-like half of the season.

Now anyone that took a look at the roster could see that the nicks and dings that compile over the first 40 games had reached a level that rendered the Bruins borderline toothless. Players were dropping like flies. There were so many midgets called up from Providence that I thought TLC was doing a crossover show with the NHL...call it Little People, Big Ice.

The Bruins didn't seem to gel into the unit they became until that night that Steve Ott and Sean "Sloppy Seconds" Avery came to the Garden and found that if you cheap shot one, you will get targeted by all. The Bruins responded accordingly, first with fists, and then with a mighty ascension that has put them twenty points over an imploding Montreal team (has anyone seen what Bob Gainey has done to that team??? Brave man, they might want to have some former SF soldiers from Blackwater cover his six for the next ten years or so). The Bruins are ten points ahead of anyone in the East, even though they've been limping through the last dozen contests.

The bite hasn't been there. The extra facewash in the scrum in front of the net hasn't been there. Shit, the scrums haven't been happening. As Gordie Kluzak would say, the Bruins are missing their "snarl."

In the game last night against Carolina, some of that snarl returned. No one dropped the gloves, but the tension was there and it hasn't been for awhile.

Now listen up. I looked ahead to the next three games looking for willing combatants, or even someone that is known to do something stupid (i.e. Avery) and get a team screaming for his blood.

They will play the Panthers twice in the next three games. Seeing a team this soon gives a chance to remember numbers, and every little slash or trip some bonehead bestowed upon you. The Panthers have Bryan McCabe and Keith Ballard, two players that are not shy when it comes to dropping the mitts. And you can always count on Nick Boynton to do something stupid, like get into a fight with a stud like Lucic. I don't think Looch is close to 100%, as shown by his lack of fights and his the dropoff of his thunderding hits. The shoulder is probably still bothering him.
They will face the Lightning between bouts with the Panthers. The Bolts have Ryan Malone and Evgeny "Artichoke" Artyukhin. Lecavalier is also known drop the gloves on occasion and handle himself well (see Lecavalier v. Iginla in the finals a few years ago). I don't see a Captain on Captain bout, as Lecavalier most likely wouldn't go with Chara (though it would be entertaining).
All I'm saying is this: a team that fights together wins together. Having played sports and covered people's backs at bar fights, domestics, and other situations, I know how comforting it is to know that if something happens, the hounds of hell will be racing up behind you to utterly destroy the individual that is causing issues. Knowing that these guys will come to your aide without hesitation breeds a love (yes, love) that makes you never want to leave the team or profession. I feel bad for people that have never known this feeling.

Translated: if everyone starts playing physical again (and I'm talking hits, not just fighting), everything else will snap back in line. And in my humble opinion, I think that it's time for Jeremy Reich to come back up. Move Bitz up and put Reich on a line with Yelle and Thornton.

Enough said.

Go B's.

Awards the NHL should consider

Upon the completion of the season, the NHL hosts their stuffy award show. For one night, the boys dress up in their tuxedos, answer retarded questions from reporters, and parade around with Russian models (if you're Russian). The three indicators of being Russian: a sallow nuclear-fallout complexion, jacked up teeth, and euro-mullet. If you hit all three, you might be a Commie!

I have come up with some awards that the Bruins would win if the NHL would ever consider adding some that really don't mean anything.

Here they are, in no particular order...

The "I'm Going To Steal Your Girlfriend Because I'm Just So Damn Cute" award goes to....
Marc Savard! I swear to god, every time they show this guy, my girlfriend envisions herself having his children. Yes, he is cute. So cute that even having his face burned off in a bizarre microwave accident would do nothing to lower her attraction to him. She could just look into those eyes forever...

The "Bad Teeth, Big Skill" award goes to...
David Krejci! This dude looks like he was hit in the mouth by the fender of a 1984 Ford Escort.

The "Amateur Porn Star" aware goes to...
Phil Kessel! He gets it for two reasons:
1. He already has his niche. Apparently one-nut porn is taking off. Especially in Sweden. Just ask Mats Sundin.
2. The shorts that he wears provide enough inner thigh shots that you know he isn't shy in the bedroom with cameras.

The "Missing Link" award goes to...
Stephane Yelle! Have you seen how hairy this guy is??? I swear I saw him shaving on the bench last game. Rumor has it that the first time Timmy Thomas saw Yelle showering, he ran to his truck and got his bow, thinking that a bear had made it into the practice rink. A quick left hook from Edgecrusher Thornton knocked Thomas out and stopped what would have been a very strange day. Of course, this being the Bruins and all, I'm sure the organization has seen violent incidents with hunting implements (you know a drunk Harry Sinden has killed at least four hookers with knives/salt licks/muzzleloaders over the years).

The "Wow, What A Great Outfit...No, Seriously, I Really Like It...snicker snicker..." award goes to:
PJ! When he's not in his hockey gear, he looks like a walking optical illusion. If you just kind of let your eyes unfocus...and subconsciously look through all those conflicting patterns and materials....OH MY GOD, THERE'S A HOCKEY PLAYER UNDER THERE!

The "Not All Earth-Loving Hippies Are Pussies" award goes to...
Andrew Ference! He is in disguise (shaved head, muscular stature), but a dread-locked, Phish fan is under that facade. If all hippies could mobilize and motivate like Ference has, we would be facing a very stinky uprising.

The "Diva In A Uniform" award goes to...
Manny! Chipped nail? Out. Bad hairstyle? Out. And I mean out as in "I was out with A-Rod last night, and boy is my groin sore!"

The "Go Ahead, Say Something About My Sweet Moustache" award goes to...
Shawn Thornton! Seriously, even when he's rocking his Village People facial hair, I am to afraid to say anything. Of course now it's written in some blog. Shit. Mr. Thornton, if I ever meet you, please allow me to someday have children. Don't hurt me too bad.

The "Gronk, Smash" award goes to...
LOOCH. See an opposing player? Gronk, smash. See a piece of glass with an opposing player in close proximity? Gronk, smash. See a big, fat puck just laying in the slot? Gronk, smash. He is a caveman.

The "I'm 6'5" And There Is No Reason I Should Be Able To Skate This Fast" award goes to...
Blake Wheeler! Sometimes he looks like that kid on The Mighty Ducks 2 that can't stop. The kid that played Benny in The Sandlot. You know who I'm talking about, right? Beaner Gonzalez? Something like that. Maybe they should build a pyramid of soda cans in the corners and see if Wheels can stop before hitting them. $5 says no.

The "I Was An Extra In Roadhouse" award goes to...
Shane Hnidy! The guy can fight with his fists and his engraved switchblade. That's what you call a double threat.

The "Little Package, Little Effort, Little Skill" award goes to...
Vladimir Sobotka! THANK FUCKING CHRIST HE WAS SENT BACK DOWN TO PROVIDENCE. I'll take Bacon Bitz over him any fucking day. Even friday.

So there you have it. Like I said, I doubt the NHL will ever consider giving out these awards, as Betteman is too busy hanging out under Crosby and Ovechkin's locker room stalls.

Oh well. Bruins and Flyers tonight.

Go B's.

Where are the Big, Gay Waldo's?

When running a business and generating ideas, nothing should be off limits. Brainstorming wild, crazy, ideas is where great ideas are born. However, there must also be a step in that process in which someone says, "that is the worst idea ever", and said idea is thrown out.

Apparently, the Canadiens did not have that filter working while selecting yesterday's jersey. They were ugly, stupid, and almost gave me a seizure. I had to sit really still on my couch to prevent throwing up. It also proved that the Kostitsyn's COULD be uglier. However, the fact they looked like clowns just added to the B's new dominance over this previously unbeatable team. Also evident was the lines being drawn. Obvi Kovi is not happy. Carbo took his C back (tear). Team 990 is also suggesting that this rift goes beyong Commarade Douchebag and extends to all the Commies. The Russians and the rest of the team are not getting along. That'll help them get back on top! (Cue,the Habs collapse in five, four, three, two...)

But enough about them. Timmy was back in his natural form, no longer looking tired and shaky as he did against NJ. And my love for Thornton just keeps on growing. All enforcers who are being edged out of the new NHL need to study his every move. He is a fighter, he is our goon, but he's unbelievably smart about when and where he uses this tool. He has also used this edge to get himself to the net. No other team in the NHL plays their 4th freakin line on a regular shift like the B's and that alone is finally, finally making me think...dare I say it...The B's may very well win the Cup this year. Oh man, tingles.

On a side now, I no longer feel like crazy about my theories about the Evil Enchilada. On Thursday night's broadcast, Jack Edward's said Manny had gone in for back surgery. I have DVR and rewound it three times. I was not dreaming it. On Saturday however, in the Globe, Manny was at the Garden, doing an interview and said he had a knee issue, "obviously from last year". So this little As the World Turns saga really get more odd as the days pass, but who the fuck cares where Manny is as long as he stays away from the rink. I heart TT and Tukka.

General Soreness + Back Spasms = Hissy Fits?

It's no secret that I don't like Manny Fernandez, so I'm going to go off on a limb with my latest Manny conspiracy theory.

Up until the All-Star team announcements, Manny had been getting pats on the back from fans, press, coaches, etc. He was riding high on these accolades and was given close to equal credit to Thomas as being a big reason for the success of the B's this season. A dynamic duo, both pulling their own weight.

Then Manny disappeared. Within days of Thomas awarded a spot on the All Star Roster. You know, I know, your mother knows, that TT is the best goalie in Boston. Thomas deserved this spot. But if you are a psycho mess of a goalie, I can see how you may not know this.

So Manny's gone. Tukka's up. Manny's locker is gone. Then Manny is back for a day or two and now he's gone again. Either the reason is not disclosed, or he has "general soreness" or back spasms. I feel like that is the stock answer for, he's a fucknut and we don't know what's up with him. And WTF is general soreness? Is he on the rag? You are are getting 4 million a year. Take some Advil and SUCK IT UP.

This happening has also been simultaneous with the B's struggling a bit. Coincidence??? Probably, but I enjoy blaming people I don't like for all the bad things in the world. Time will tell though. Tukka's time with the B's may last longer than you think.

What the hell?

So I get home from work tonight, excited to settle down and watch a game that doesn't include horrible All-Star jerseys.
Imagine my surprise when I see not only Lucic, but also Andrew Ference!
I was stoked!
Then I knew that I must be dreaming because all of a sudden #37 is skating by, in glorious HD on the 50".
What the hell?
I'm sure I wasn't the only one that thought Patty Cake was going to be kissing another seaon good bye when he ate some plastic/kevlar, courtesy of a mistimed checking effort on his part.
Claude keeps injuries VERY quiet, and there was no timeline for Patty to return, though he's been skating for a little while now.
It was just great to see him get back in the swing of things. Not only did he shake off the rust, but he made a gorgeous diving play to keep the puck in the zone and then passed it over to Savvy, who after one little shifty move, popped it in the back of the net.
The Capitols are a strong, fast team. Their power play makes me watch for two minutes behind my hands, as the puck moves lightning fast with Ovechkin and Semin out there.
The Caps have given the B's a hell of a time this year, and it was great to see Krejci bounce one off of one of their own players to finish it off in OT. Some would call it luck, but I'm betting that Young Krejci was thinking that it just might work.
Timmy made an outstanding save in OT that made them realize that they weren't going to leave without the W.
Props to the boys for a great game.
And jesus christ, it was nice to see those guys back on the ice.

Go B's!

First Half Breakdown

Sorry for the ridiculous length of time it's been since I last wrote. Attended a wedding and went down to Philly to see a Metallica concert. If you have a chance to see them on tour, go. The boys are playing some tight music.

I've subscribed to The Hockey News for over ten years now. Every year, about a month before the season begins, they publish the Yearbook. It breaks down every team and its players, strengths, weaknesses, etc.
I recently found the 2008-2009 issue under a pile of Ranger Joe's and Newsweeks.
No one, not even the vaunted experts at the publication of all things hockey, predicted Boston to do as well as they have.
Here are some amusing excerpts and predictions that I found...

"...Boston's offense won't scare many teams."
"Overall Team Grade: C"
"Prediction: 10th in the East"
"[Kessel] might be ready for a breakout"

Now reading this shit just cracked me up. Claude Julien's entire team has bought into his system, which hasn't happened in Boston since...well...I can't really remember. The team was like a ship without a rudder when Dave "Der Furher" Lewis was behind the bench, rocking that moustache that only an old German could love.

The injury bug has bitten and bitten hard. However, most of the guys close to returning to the ice. It will create some difficult decisions for Julien. The Human Wrecking Ball Andrew Ference will soon return, and Hunwick will most likely be the odd man out. He has played beyond his years since Ference went down. However, being an NHL D-man is a craft that few can pick up in thirty games, and Hunwick has looked just a bit out of it as of late.

My impressions thus far:

PJ: I don't know why they keep putting him on the scoring line. He's happiest when he can muck and skate on the third line, shutting other players down. Other than his few goals (which every non-Bruin fan uses to say that he sucks), he's been the same ol' PJ. Always in the way, somehow.

Savvy: You know how in video games you can make players that are better than everyone else? Savvy is like that player...but he passes better. I don't understand how he gets the puck through. Amazing. And wearing the mic during the All-Star stuff was great. I was glad to hear you drop at least one f-bomb. It sounded like "Ffffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccckkkkk." Funny stuff.

Looch: I think that he tried to get a little pretty for a while there. He needs to dump and chase. Straight lines. His physical play tailed off a bit before he went out. Hopefully the break will let him heal up and get back to his banging ways. It's entertaining to watch people back off in the corner when they hear him coming behind them. And that fight against the kid on the Pens was brutal.

Krejci: When he gets the puck, things......slow......down....and then the puck is in the net. Not since Jason "Wrist Ligament from a Cadaver" have I seen a guy move that slow and still get results. His hands around the net have improved and he continues to impress.

Kessel: Oh, One Nut. What a season so far! Stop kissing those Southie hags and get healthy!

Ryder: You've come on strong as of late. Keep it up and you'll get thirty.

Wheeler: Where the fuck did this monster come from? Holy shit. He skates like Kessel...but he's 6'5". It's fun to watch him turn the defense inside-out with his moves. He'll get 25-30.

Kobasew: Keep on plugging, Chuckie. It'll come.

Thornton: Love this guy. He skates like a monkey, but he goes HARD every shift. Julien seems to appreciate him quite a bit.

Chara: I like the far-side sneak you've been employing as of late on the PP. I fail to see how the other team can miss your sasquatch ass "sneaking" anywhere, but if it's working, why change it?

Wideman: The crew at the Garden is getting angry with you. On the PP, when you wind up, take an extra millisecond to calibrate your targeting system. You might, just might, hit the fucking net. Those eight-foot high blasts do nothing, save make the kid sitting six rows back shit his pants because he thought the puck was going to end his life before he got laid.

Stuart: You've grown on me. What I like is that I can see you getting pissed when you're grinding in the corner with some forward. You have the taken the torch from Nick "My Blood Sugar is Getting Low" Boynton. Mind your temper or you may end up in jail.

Hnidy: You tough sonofabitch. Take a puck to the face? No problem. I'll just spring to the bench, run down the aisle, and return four minutes later with about a half million stitches holding my eye socket together. I bet you wrestle meth-addicts in the summer just to keep your mean up.

Ward: Hurt. Injured. Hurt. Injured. Your shot-blocking efforts are appreciated by all, but the goalies wear pads for that reason. You don't have to try and stop EVERY shot with your ankle/right ass cheek/taint/pecker. You're almost Hnidy tough.

Hunwick: You've been playing well, but I think your run is just about up with the aforementioned Ference returning shortly. You've learned a lot and we'll see you again.

Sobotka: Go back to Providence. I'm tired of you.

St.Pierre: I like your effort. You're still getting pushed around quite a bit.

Nokelainen: You look a little too comfortable for someone that is on the cusp of getting sent back down. Either crank it up or stand aside.

Patty Cake: You were having a decent return until you rammed your face into that dude's shoulder pad. Heal up. We'll be waiting.

Sturm: I miss your angry just-scored-a-goal face. I hope your knee mends well. Heal up, train hard, and we'll see you next year.

Timmy: Yoga isn't just for dirty hippies! Keep it up. It's working.

Manny: I'm glad you've finally shown Boston fans why you came in the first place. I don't think you'll be around after the trade deadline, but your efforts have been a huge reason why the B's are where they are right now.

That's all I have for now.

Go B's.

Whaattt???

So I step away from the Bruins for two freakin days to get married and come back to...well I'm not sure what I'm coming back to. I feel like Bush at a spelling bee. It seems as though the Evil Enchilada is back in his fucktard form. Rask is up, EE's name plate is off of his locker (please note that Sturm, who is def out of the season still has his name plate up in the room). Have I underestimated the good vibes of Timmy? Makes sense that as soon as I let Manny off my hate list, he'd do this.

Kessel has been riding his fame and kissing too many skanks and have come down with the Mono. Funny though, because rumors out of Montreal are saying that Price may have the Mono. Perhaps Phillip has been kissing one skank in particular.

Lucic? WTF. Since he is the only B with an "undisclosed" injury, I'm wondering if the Golden Boy in Boston is getting too big for his britches. Needs to be knocked down a few notches by Claude as he did with Kessel last season.

And Claude. Sneaky, Sneaky Claude. This secret spy shit isn't for him, but he's doing his best to cultivate this cloud of mystery over the B's. I don't have much new to say about the Habs as I've been wicked busy just trying to keep up with the B's. Kovalev is still a commie, Kostitsyn's are still ugly as sin, Price is still a bitch. All you need to know.

Regardless of what has or is going down, the B's need to summon the hockey gods and the baby B's called up need to play their shit off. I am headed to this game tonight with my new husband who will be donning a Koivu jersey. (PUKE PUKE). I do need to sew on a letter for him though and will be chanting a hex over at as I go. Here's to hoping the B's prove their depth and that my marriage of 3 days can endure our first B's/Habs game as a married couple.

And for the record, on my wedding day, I found time to down some beers and watch the B's. Salute!