Who The Fuck Are These Guys?

WHERE, OH WHERE HAVE THE BRUINS GONE?
OH WHERE THE FUCK CAN THEY BE???

I heard that Taken II is coming out in late fall. It seems that Jeremy Jacobs has commissioned Liam Neeson to go find the real Boston Bruins, who are undoubtedly locked in a tiny cell right now, slowly withering away from the heat and lack of food. Then Neeson is going to come and save me, because I'm withering away from lack of goals, lack of fights, lack of effort and lack of effort. Yes, I wrote that twice. It's double-true.

Six Bruins have played well consistently this year: Tuukka, Patty Cake, Old Man Recchi, Caveman Stuart, Edgecrusher Thornton and Frenchy Begin.

THAT MEANS THE REST OF YOU ARE ON NOTICE.
Some thoughts:
Wheeler: we paid for you? Really? REALLY? Just because you're breathing hard at the end of your shift doesn't mean you're trying hard.
Ryder: you are resembling Glen Murray more and more every game that you go without scoring.
Krejci: they were calling you "Matrix" last year because you looked like you were slowing time down. This year it just looks like you are moving so fucking slow that some no-talent-assclown (i.e. Komisarek) can lay you out. I swear to Christ, when the season is over, it better come out that you have been playing all year after being paralyzed. This is the only way I will respect your "efforts" this year. The two other centers go down with injuries...and you just disappear as well. Nice.
Herr Sturm: BE MORE FUCKING CONSISTENT!
Bitz: I don't know what Julien was thinking putting you on the top line. You're a mucker and grinder. Keep it ugly.
Sobotka: Hey Comrade Vladimir, I have an idea! Why don't you go the seventh layer of Bruins Prospect Hell and hang out with Ivan Huml, Andy Hilbert and Andre Savage? They're waiting for you and I am sick and fucking tired of watching you fill up a uniform.
Chara: Z. The Big Guy. The Big Z. Z rhymes with V. V is for vagina. Which is how you've been playing. And yes, I would say this to your face. Actually, it would probably be a nipple because of the whole height thing.
Wideman: See Wheeler.
Chuck Fucking Morris: trying to be too smooth.
Ference: oh wait, you're hurt? Still or again? I can't keep track.
Hunwick: all that money you got in arbitration must be slowing you down, because you've been skating like you're lugging around a barrelful of smashed assholes.
Timmy Thomas: man, you're breaking my heart. Where's the snap and the pop? Please please please don't pull a Blaine Lacher/Jim Carey and disappear on us.

Looch and Savvy have missed so much with injuries that they're basically a non-factor. Paille came over and has been a bright spot, as has Johhny Upchuck.

In closing, I miss PJ.

Pull your fucking heads out of your ass, throw some fucking bodychecks, and score some fucking goals.

Go B's.