Saturday, October 29, 2011

Alright You Fuckers...

The Bruins are doing nothing, and I mean FUCKING nothing, to show people that there is no such thing as a Stanley Cup hangover. A few (and I mean few) bright spots aside, the Bruins bear no resemblance to last year's team. About the only thing that has been there is the goaltending, which has let up only a goal or two on the majority of occasions.
The goal support has been nil. The physical play, which has taken a few postive steps in the last few games, is barely there. The Bruins are doing nothing to make teams pay for every foot they gain on the ice. Frankly, I don't understand what is going on.
Drastic times call for drastic measures. Here is what I propose each player's game day should look like until they turn back into the players we saw last year:
1. Wake up after yet another night of not getting ANY loving, as the Jacobs family is now paying off wives, girlfriends, and random Southie slampigs with Coach handbags not to have any sexual contact.
2. Shower with cold water because the gas/heat has been shut off.
3. Cold oatmeal for breakfast. Warm extra-pulpy orange juice.
4. Take a cab to the rink, because their car has been towed for lack of paying parking tickets (which were fake anyway).
5. Arrive at the rink, only to be mistaken as an imposter and be kicked off the property.
6. Eventually make it to lockerroom after bribing security guards, only to find that each stall has been inverted.
7. When taking the ice for the pre-game skate, immediately take a puck in the nuts.
8. Fall down and lose and edge in front of all the girls behind the nets during warmups. Crash into the boards ass first.
9. Let a fart loose and find that it was actually a shart, thereby having to skate with chafed ass cheeks and endure the taunts of the other team ("Hey Shit Shorts," "Hey Captain Crapped My Pants," etc.).
10. Get angry and finally give into frustration.
11. Channel the rage and have an all-star game, scoring 4 goals, having two helpers and finally getting kicked out after a 2nd fighting major of the evening (the game misconduct for refusing to leave the ice).
Voila. The season is back on track.
Montreal tonight. I can only hope that these guys bring their games, because I can't remember a game that will be in a more hostile environment. All I ask is this: play rough and tough, but don't cross the line (LOOKING AT YOU, LUCIC. The Montreal police are already well-acquainted with your captain, so I'm guessing that you won't have to ask if they know who you are).
Saturday night.
Boston versus Montreal.
Go you fuckers, go.
Go B's.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Time To Turn It Around

To date, the season has been a no-go. Goals seem to be in short supply and the power play still isn't producing. Tonight is the night to turn it around.
I mean seriously, what better way to do it than come out with two wins in a home and home against the Habs?
If it's possible, they've been playing worse than the Bruins and responded by making some coaching changes last night. The Habs have never been ones to take the patient route, instead tying people to posts and burning them alive.
Couple things:
- Chiarelli said he wants Tuukkaa to get some more time. I don't know what it is, but the defensive support is never there when he's in net. They turn into huge babies in front of him and basically let shots come from all angles.
- Corvo hasn't done much for me thus far. He is much faster than Corky Kaberle, but that's not a huge accomplishment. He needs to get his shots through and go up ice more. I'm starting to think that Corvo is this year's Derek Morris experiment.
- Seguin continues to look like a man out there. He is so much more confident and is going into the dirty areas on the ice. Good to see.
- Hopefully Chara won't wear his bunny costume on the ice tonight. I think he should wear it in Montreal, as that place is going to be going insane with him back in the building.
All that being said, this is the time that the boys need to stand up and start playing a full 60 minutes of hockey. If this continues for another 5 games, they could very easily find themselves fighting for their playoff life in December.
Go B's.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Come On, Boys.

Stanley Cup hangover? No such thing.
After seeing the Bruins dramatically under perform in their last two outings, I'm starting to think that the hangover may be a real thing.
They were outskated by the Avs and stimied by the Hurricanes, finally mustering some offense (late though it may have been) in the 3rd period. About the only thing going right so far in this young season is the goaltending. Timmy and Tuukka have been fairly sharp, but the offense has yet to find its groove.
Couple things:
-It looks like Krejci might be missing some time after suffering a "core" injury in practice. I'm honestly surprised that he doesn't get hurt more, as he skates at half speed pretty much all the time and his build does not lend itself to taking hits from big defenseman.
-Seguin did not look out of place centering the top line. The kid has definitely gotten stronger and has shown that he will take a huge hit to make a play...something that was lacking last year. He generally did the patented "Kessel turnaway" when he saw anyone coming to hit him. Seguin's goal against the Hurricanes was about as pretty as a wrist shot can get.
-Looch. Seriously man, what the fuck? You've thrown no hits. You've had no fights. You've had like two decent scoring chances in the past four games. Get it going, lad. It's time to play hockey.
-Like Chuck Norris, the only person that can hurt Adam McQuaid appears to be Adam McQuaid. I think he should be prohibited from trying to hit people in that spot behind the net, as it generally doesn't work out for him. It's kind of scary to see a tough dude like McQuaid obviously off in lala land. Hope he heals up quick.
-I was kind of surprised that Peverley got as much money as he did with the signing of his extension, but he's a good fit on the Bruins. He can play on every line and the effort is always there. I'm hoping some of that will rub off on a few of the other guys (looking at you, Looch).
-The Cup is in Boston (in part) because the Bruins play such a physical game. Sadly, I've seen nothing this year to make me think that the boys are thinking physical this year. They let up before hitting someone, the scrums are minimal and they've yet to have a fight. The Bruins had the 2nd most fighting majors of all teams last year, and I think it's time to get it going. Thornton was trying to get some folks to go with him last game, but no one would oblige. Maybe they should just fast forward to their game with Dallas, as the Stars seem to bring the beast out of everyone.
Blackhawks tonight. An Original 6 match up on a Saturday night. I'm excited to settle in and watch the two best uniforms in the league skate around. I just hope they give me something to cheer about.
Oh yeah, and I am SOOOO fucking happy that Kaberle isn't on the Bruins anymore. Just seeing that stupid fucking red-cheeked, no-chinned tampon of a "man" skating for the Hurricanes the other night pissed me off. The Department of Defense can add "Corky Kaberle" to their list of things that can cause PTSD, along with a deployment to a war zone, Snooki, a sudden and unexpected lack of peanut butter in one's house and Xbox Live going down (oh the humanity).
Go B's.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

0-1, THE SEASON'S OVER... what I'd be typing if I was a Montreal fan.
Overall, it was an entertaining game, though the boys couldn't muster the goals to win it. After the classiest pre-game ceremony I've ever seen, I'm sure they had trouble concentrating. I know I did and all I was doing was sending texts about how badly I wanted Ol' Man Recchi to stay in uniform and pull some shifts.
Couple things:
-Patty Cake, Nipple Cancer and Peverley looked awesome. That line is going to have a HUGE season.
-Seguin already looks like a different player out there. He was going into corners, using his speed and creating chances. As I wrote earlier, he obviously didn't like sitting in the playoffs last year and I think that it has carried over to this new season. He knows that the ball is in his court as to just how much playing time he gets. The extra effort, whether it's on a rush or getting back to help out the D, has to be there on every single shift. Julien has always rewarded the guys that are doing it right with more time, and I think that Seguin will show his true colors this year. He had dominated in junior hockey, but the NHL is just that much faster. That, coupled with playing against grown, nasty men had him running into walls all year. Along with Clark and Caron, he had a few good chances. And that frickin' sizzling wrist shot of his is something to behold.
-How fucking obnoxious is Claude Giroux? I didn't like him during the All-Star Skills Competition, as he was wearing a mic and just couldn't be bothered to spit his Juicy Fruit out. That, coupled with missing front tooth, made him look like he should be giving blowjobs at some glory hole at a Flying Tiger in southwest Lexington. Shoooooooot boy, you got a purdy mouth...
-The numbers on the front of the helmet need to go. Makes everyone look like a Tron reject.
-I was glad to see Bobby Orr on the ice, as I'm sure he needed a distraction from his dumb bitch of a daugther-in-law, who managed to get trashed, wreck her SUV and then pull the Lucic "Do you know who I am" routine.
-Pronger still looks like someone cut the head off of a five year old and slapped it on a sasquatch. And Chris: please get a helmet that fits. I'm sure there is a kid's section in the CCM catalog.
The boys will go against Tampa Bay tonight. I'm thinking that we'll see Tuukka in net. Time to go outside and enjoy some of this I'm sure we won't see the sun again until next May or so.
Go B's.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Yet Another Long Summer...

is what I'd be typing if the Bruins had done their normal "win a few playoff games and bow out" routine that we fans had gotten used to. Every other fucking team in Boston has won what seemed like a billion combined championships, rubbing it in our faces with every parade and trophy presentation.
But not last year.
After the shortest off season for the Bruins that I can remember, they'll take the ice this thursday. That's probably a good thing, because I was starting to get nervous that young Bradley Marchand, Captain No-Shirt, was going to dramatically increase his chances of nipple cancer due to his lack of clothing above the waist. That, coupled with the now-infamous misspelled tattoo, helped make it a summer that no Bruins fan will ever forget.
After getting to touch the Cup when Timmy brought it to Vermont (and then thinking I was going to have to whip out my CPR skills on the Canuck (and I mean that in a "Canadian" Canuck way, not those teething assclots from Western Canada way) wife), I am ready for some fucking hockey!
Gone is Kaberle (no big loss, except I was developing a pretty good Marine Corps drill instructor rasp to my voice from yelling at the flat screen for him to "SHOOT", "SKATE" or "FUCKING DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T RESULT IN YOU GOING -1"). Gone is Ryder (he of the vaunted glove save that helped the Bruins continue their push into the playoffs). Gone is Ol' Man Recchi, he of the indestructible ilk, playing harder and better than pups less than half his age (literally).
So many teams these days just about implode after winning the Cup (the Blackhawks come to mind), and the Bruins have actually managed to improve in several areas. They came close to having issues signing Nipple Cancer Marchand (who was THIS close to going on my shit list) and Milan "Do You Know Who I Am" Lucic. Looch: your bullshit explanation on your supposed words, and I quote: "I meant in the sense of I'd never be doing what those people are saying because 'Do you know who I am?' I have so much to lose.", should have your mother traveling to Boston to throw you over her knee and spank your fucking ass. Really? Seriously? I've had people pull that line on me, and believe me when I say it makes a cop (even the "hey, let's go hug some kittens" kind of cops) want to smash you in the fucking throat with their Maglite. Aside from that, words like that make you look like The King Douchebag Cocksucker Of The North End. I know you're young, and all eyes are on you, but if you pull that shit again, I'm getting rid of my Lucic t-shirt and getting a Kessel jersey. I just threw up in my mouth as I typed that.
It's time for some random and bold predictions:
-I'm going to pencil Young Seguin, who has no doubt sprouted some pubes by now, in for 20 to 25 goals. He looked better in the playoffs, as I'm sure having to sit burned his ass up. I think that bodes well for the future, as it shows he has a competitive streak a mile wide.
-The arrival of Corvo from Carolina will help the PP. I guess that's not so bold, as there's really no way it could have gotten any worse. Fuck you, it's my blog. But seriously, how different would the playoffs have been if the boys could have just converted at a normal rate instead of going 4 for 12301214748121651Q16513CORKYKABERLESUCKS135161000??? I lost years, fucking years, off of my life due to their inability to convert. When I enter a nursing home at age 38, I will be forwarding my diaper bills to the Jacobs family.
-I'm thinking that Timmy and Tuukka will split the season almost 50-50. There's no doubt that Claude (I bet he tells awesome bedtime stories) will go with who's hot, but they have to get Tuukka some time this year.
-Krejci will continue to remind me of Napoleon Dynamite.
-Chiarelli's acquistions of Peverley and Kelly will continue to look pretty fucking slick. Peverley will no doubt continue to surprise other teams with his speed. He looked awesome skating with Patty Cake and Nipple Cancer in the preseason. And how can Kelly not continue to impress? He's the kind of grinder (I mean come on, the guy had a broken fucking FACE in the playoffs) that means so much to a team (a nod to you, P.J. number #11 forever!).
-Call him by whichever nickname you wish (Darth Quaider, Lonewolf,etc.), other teams would/will want to let that sleeping dog lie. Like Probert in the 80's and early 90's, if you wake that fucker up, your teeth are going to look like Chiclets all over the ice. I mean anyone that keeps that haircut all summer is obviously a bit touched, and best not to be fucked with (just kidding Mr. McQuaid, please don't find my house and murder me in my sleep).
-Campbell will hit 15 goals.
-Ference will continue to stick up for his teammates, showing that a dude that is gunslinger tough can also hug trees.
-Thornton will once again hit double digits in goals and fights, as well as introduce astute lip-reading hockey fans to new swear words ("dude, he just called that guy a fucking tamponfuck. what does that mean?").
-Neely will suit up for one game in which he scores 50 goals in one period, gets in three fights and then bangs Phil Kessel's sister while Rene Rancourt sings "Black Betty" (which strangely enough, is what Kessel has named his remaining testicle).
-Harry Sinden will get drunk. Or remain drunk. Whatever.
-Craig Janney will finally come out of the closet, propose to Adam Oates, come to Vermont to marry his new steely-eyed lover, and retire to run a bed a breakfast called "The Grrrden" in western Connecticut.
-Patty Cake will finally win the Selke Trophy, because the league has been ignoring him for too fucking long.
-Chara will once again win the hardest shot at the skills competition, this time forgoing the composite stick and instead just using his 6'9" Slavic cock. The puck will be clocked at 33 million miles per hour. He will celebrate by biking to the moon, where he will slay Megatron in a battle to the death. He will then enjoy a bowl of maple oatmeal (Chara, not Megatron).
-Horton will get even more tattoos, soon resembling a Maori warrior. He will even start doing that traditional dance after each goal he scores (pencil him in for 25-30, with 6 fighting majors as well).
-My Canuck wife will continue to think about Johnny Boychuk's eyes while we attempt to make babies (NO MOM, THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE ARE TRYING TO MAKE BABIES...or are we?). I'll be okay with it, because I'll be thinking about his eyes as well.
-The Habs will try, key word being "try", to get "justice" for what happened with Pacio-fuckwad. The Bruins, who no doubt have the best team toughness in the league, will pummel all comers. The result will be the frying of all 911 call centers across Quebec due to the sheer amount of incoming calls for an immediate police investigation. The history books will later say that it was the worst 911 outage since the Vidal Sassoon hair gel shortage scare of 1999.
-When the Canucks come to town on 01/07/11, all of the bullshit that happened during the Finals will be squared away once and for all. Two days before the game, Burrows will go the dentist and have all his teeth pulled, saying to his boyfriend that "I don't want to give Lucic the satisfaction of smashing them out of my stupid head." The Sedins will not play, begging off due to "extreme cramping of the Swede-gina." Nipple Cancer will break into their hotel room and punch whichever one he punched in the face several times in the playoffs, several more times.
Okay, the meth has worn off.
Thursday night. The Cup defense begins. It's finally, FINALLY FINALLY back in Boston, and I am fucking stoked (can you tell?).
Can't wait to see that banner raised, hear Rene sing the anthems, and finally get back to some hockey.
Go B's.