Saturday, October 29, 2011

Alright You Fuckers...

The Bruins are doing nothing, and I mean FUCKING nothing, to show people that there is no such thing as a Stanley Cup hangover. A few (and I mean few) bright spots aside, the Bruins bear no resemblance to last year's team. About the only thing that has been there is the goaltending, which has let up only a goal or two on the majority of occasions.
The goal support has been nil. The physical play, which has taken a few postive steps in the last few games, is barely there. The Bruins are doing nothing to make teams pay for every foot they gain on the ice. Frankly, I don't understand what is going on.
Drastic times call for drastic measures. Here is what I propose each player's game day should look like until they turn back into the players we saw last year:
1. Wake up after yet another night of not getting ANY loving, as the Jacobs family is now paying off wives, girlfriends, and random Southie slampigs with Coach handbags not to have any sexual contact.
2. Shower with cold water because the gas/heat has been shut off.
3. Cold oatmeal for breakfast. Warm extra-pulpy orange juice.
4. Take a cab to the rink, because their car has been towed for lack of paying parking tickets (which were fake anyway).
5. Arrive at the rink, only to be mistaken as an imposter and be kicked off the property.
6. Eventually make it to lockerroom after bribing security guards, only to find that each stall has been inverted.
7. When taking the ice for the pre-game skate, immediately take a puck in the nuts.
8. Fall down and lose and edge in front of all the girls behind the nets during warmups. Crash into the boards ass first.
9. Let a fart loose and find that it was actually a shart, thereby having to skate with chafed ass cheeks and endure the taunts of the other team ("Hey Shit Shorts," "Hey Captain Crapped My Pants," etc.).
10. Get angry and finally give into frustration.
11. Channel the rage and have an all-star game, scoring 4 goals, having two helpers and finally getting kicked out after a 2nd fighting major of the evening (the game misconduct for refusing to leave the ice).
Voila. The season is back on track.
Montreal tonight. I can only hope that these guys bring their games, because I can't remember a game that will be in a more hostile environment. All I ask is this: play rough and tough, but don't cross the line (LOOKING AT YOU, LUCIC. The Montreal police are already well-acquainted with your captain, so I'm guessing that you won't have to ask if they know who you are).
Saturday night.
Boston versus Montreal.
Go you fuckers, go.
Go B's.

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