Game 1

It seems like just yesterday that we were wondering what kind of team the Bruins would be in the 2010/11 season. So many faces are gone (Wheeler, Stuart, Hunwick) and many new arrived.
The Bruins have played some strange hockey this year. Some nights the swagger would be there, lead from the rear by a resurgent Timmy Thomas. Other nights (mainly when poor Tuukka was there), the team tucked its tail and just looked happy to make it through the game with no deaths on the ice.
That being said, the Bruins are challenging for their first Stanley Cup in longer than I care to remember.
I'm glad that the puck is finally going to drop tomorrow night. It's been several days of "The Canucks are going to blow them out of the water," "the Bruins can't match the offense of the Canucks" and so on. Frankly, I think it's bullshit. The games against the Canucks this year turned out to be a preview of the upcoming final round...and the Bruins fared pretty damn well.
Here's what I'm looking for:
-I'm expecting Patty Cake and his linemates to shadow those fucking Swedish twins for the entire series. If they don't get any breathing room, they'll be a non-factor. These guys are good, and they can hurt you with just one missed check, but I think Patty is up to the task. It wouldn't surprise me to maybe see Campbell swap out with Recchi, as he's faster and has a more defensive game. Of course, Recchi has been around since Christ was a kid, so I'm sure he has some tricks up his sleeve.
-Chara will have to be at his best. He'll be playing HUGE minutes against the top line and I'm ready for some crazy line-matching from both coaches. Boucher tried getting Lecavalier/Stamkos/St. Louis out there every time Chara was getting a breather and I'm thinking the Canucks will do the same.
-Seidenberg has been playing simply outstanding fucking hockey. The way that he plays with Chara reminds me of the Bourque/Sweeney pairing we fans enjoyed for so many years. They know where the other guy is at all times and their styles compliment each other. He'll continue to eat huge minutes as well.
-Watch for Looch to finally break out of his funk. He has decent numbers and I have no doubt that when the season is finally over, we'll learn of the injury that has been nagging him. However, he'll obviously want to play well in his hometown. When the money is on the table, Looch is a money fucking player.
-As goes Timmy, so go the Bruins. Timmy will face off head-to-head with fellow Vezina finalist Luongo. He'll need his absolute best, and though there were doubters after last year, we knew that Timmy had it in him. He's rounding into top form at the most important time of the year.
-Total team defense will be the most imporant thing in this series. Game 7 against the Lightning was one of the best hockey games I've ever seen. It was tight, fast and decided by one goal. It showed just what the Bruins can do when every single player is pulling in the same direction.
Can't wait for tomorrow night. It's going to be a long day at work, waiting for the 8PM start time. And it's on NBC, so I'm sure the announcers are going to know exactly what they're talking about (I miss Jack and Brick).
That being said, SKATE YOU FUCKERS, SKATE!!!!
Go B's.

Horton Hears a FUCK YOU!

Yes, he's a professional, yes they NHL warned them, blah blah blah. They were being attacked by fucking...I don't know what they were but they were being pelted by thingys. So what do you do? Cool a bitch down.
If anything Tampa should be fined for providing weapons to a bunch of idiots and lacking security for the team as they walked out. That tool should have been stopped and removed by security before Horton even got off the ice. Maybe the rest of the team didn't hear or notice this frosted tipped douche, but we all know that Horton has keen sense of hearing. A tool's a tool no matter how small.

SHIT FUCK PISS SHITBALLS FUCKER

Game 7. Boston. Friday night.
Go B's.

GAME 6

GO YOU FUCKERS!
PUT IT ALL ON THE ICE! MAKE YOUR COACH AND FANS PROUD! PLAY LIKE GODS AND WIN THE EASTERN CONFERENCE!
DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT THE LIGHTNING WILL DO, JUST GO OUT AND PLAY YOUR GAME! HIT 'EM, STICK 'EM, FUCKIN' CHRIST POP 'EM! PUT YOUR LUMBER IN THEIR TEETH, LET 'EM KNOW YOU'RE THERE!
MAKE ALL THAT CAME BEFORE YOU AND WORE THE SPOKED B PROUD! MAKE THIS QUEST FOR THE CUP ONE FOR THE AGES, ONE THAT I'LL BE RECOUNTING TO MY GRANDCHILDREN YEARS FROM NOW! PUT ASIDE ONCE AND FOR ALL THAT THIS CURRENT VERSION OF THE BRUINS CAN'T WIN THE CUP! SHUT THE CRITICS UP, SHUT THE OTHER TEAMS DOWN AND SCORE SOME FUCKING GOALS! AFTER YOU'VE SCORED ONE, KEEP POURING THEM IN, DON'T HESITATE AND DON'T BACK DOWN! PUSH 'EM ONTO THAT SUNNY GOLF COURSE SOONER THAN THEY WANT TO BE THERE! YOU WILL WEAR YOUR SALLOW SKIN PALLOR PROUDLY, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARCHING TO THE CUP FINALS! MAKE THEM PAY FOR EVERY SINGLE FUCKING INCH OF ICE THEY WANT TO TAKE AND WHEN THEY STOP, KNOCK 'EM DOWN, STEAL THAT PUCK AND CHASE THAT FUCKING GOALIE!
GO YOU FUCKERS GO!

What The Fuck Was That?

Seriously, what the fuck was that?
After watching the boys positively steam to a fucking 3 to 0 lead, I thought that things were going to go their way and they would leave the Sunfuck State with a 3-1 series lead.
However, the Bruins being the Bruins, they promptly went to sleep and stopped fucking skating. Not even a great individual effort by the recently concussed Patty Cake could shake this team loose from the cement that seems to have filled their skates.
I finally got a chance to mow the fucking lawn today, as the rain clouds fucked off to some other fucking area.. I would like to take you through what was rolling through my brain as I was doing so:
"Fuck Kaberle. This guy is horrible. Burke raped Chiarelli on this trade. Seriously, fuck Kaberle. And what's the deal with your fucking current choice of facial hair? It's a playoff BEARD. BEARD. I know the word translates into your native language, because Chara speaks the same fucking tongue and he has grown a Chuck Norris worthy version of the playoff beard. Seriously, fuck Kaberle. Fuck this no-talent assclown, he of breathless speculation every fucking trade deadline...fuck this guy. Soft in corners, never shoots, never hits, can't fuck a woman properly, probably pees sitting down and fuck his stupid playoff facial hair. Ference has something similar, but at least he's scored a goal AND flipped off the stupid Hab fans. Seriously, if they bring you back for next year, you better be working like an indentured servant, working off your contract where they pay you in hockey tape and fucking kicks to the groin, because anything more than that is a fucking travesty. You shouldn't even count against the salary cap, you should qualify as some type of tax write-off, similar to the way that some teams will let a developmentally disabled guy hang around. Fuck you, Kaberle. Your new name is Corky. You can live above the Garden in a little loft, we'll let you pretend that you have your own house, but it's wired with cameras to make sure you don't burn the fucking place down because you want to make mozarella sticks in your little easy bake oven. The boys will take turns watching these cameras, and they'll bitch about it, because it will stop them from going out to get some hot snatch on their fly, and they'll have to watch you as you trounce around your stupid little 'tard loft, dancing to Justin Beiber or some fucking Lady Gaga song. And then weeks later, you'll emerge with a dance routine intact, and you'll dance in the dressing room, because they have to be nice to you, because you're the tax write-off and if they laugh and point, they lose the fifty dollar credit that you afford the team. Seriously, fuck you. Fuck you and your PP skills. Fuck you for everything you have brought to this team in their push for the Cup. I laughed today when you took that shot off your skate and crumbled like the wilted pansy that you are. Seriously, fuck you."
That being said, fuck Corky Kaberle.
Go B's.

Go Boys, GO

After waiting what feels like an eternity, the Bruins will FINALLY take the ice tonight. I've been going out of my mind this week, waiting for the series to start.
The big focus this week has been the fact that Seguin is going to get some time, as Patty Cake is trying to heal up. The Hairy Frenchman and I were talking and we both felt that something was coming. The Bruins would bounce the Flyers, but not without losing someone hugely important to the team. I thought it was Chara, as he took a puck somewhere in the legs that took him down. He didn't miss a shift, so I thought they were in the clear.
And then Patty got lit up. Fuckin' Giroux.
Anyway, Seguin is going to get his chance tonight. When it was initially announced that he was going to be scratched, I thought it was a wise choice. I wrote that although he has skill, he was pushed around all year long and the playoffs are just that much more intense.
I haven't changed my thinking. Seguin is going to be rustier than an old padlock on Cape Cod, and he's going to have to try and adjust with limited ice time. I'd be surprised if he gets more than 8 minutes time on ice tonight.
Few things:
-Two positives about this long layoff between games: A. Tampa Bay was also off and B. it gave the boys (especially Timmy) some time to rest up. It's that time of year where the bumps and bruises are adding up and guys are playing through things that would have them out for a few games during the regular season.
-I'm expecting good tempo in the first, but both teams will most likely trying to find their legs. The Bruins will have to fight through this and push as hard as they can.
-Kelly is no longer playing with the cage. I vote that they leave it on the bench very a quick re-attachment should the boys need the luck. At this point, I would superglue that thing to his fucking face and make him wear it forever.
-Good to see Looch wake up in the last game against the Flyers. Krejci and Horton had been producing at a torrid pace and it's about time that Looch gets in on this shit. I'm guessing that he'll be getting some good face time with Hedman tonight. The good thing is that although Hedman is a monster, he plays like a soft little vagina. The other good thing is that if Hedman starts to get squirrely, either Looch or Chara will be there to bitch slap him back to the ice.
-I'm hoping that Claude rolls all four lines. This keep everyone fresh and we've seen time and fucking time again that Thornton/Campbell/Paille have some weird kind of chemistry that works for them. The boys rarely make mistakes and are an offensive threat.
-I think the battle of the series is going to be between Downie and my little friend Bradley Marchand. Both play the same type of game, though Downie takes it to Steve Ott-esque dirty levels, while Marchand is content with just giving someone a little jab to the nuts when the ref isn't looking. I'd be surprised if we get out of the first without Downie and Marchand getting pulled apart by the linesman.
-The Bruins will have to be aware of Stamkos. Pound the shit out of him (looking at you, McQuaid...and please don't miss another check where you then almost kill yourself). They'll have to do their best to contain St. Louis as well, though hitting him is harder than picking up a penny from a glass table. Lecavalier is the kind of guy that plays well but can get pulled off his game and get pissy if you grind his ass into the boards every single shift.
-Old "friend" Randy Jones also skates with this team, and I hope that cocksucker gets booed everytime he touches the puck.
Game 1. Tonight. Eastern Conference Finals. Keep pushing. 8 more wins.
Go B's.

Game 7 (Sort Of)

After utterly destroying the Flyers in Game 3, the Bruins look good to continue the trend and sweep them right out of the playoffs.
But.
The now-infamous implosion from last year is still hanging in the air, making all Bruins fans hold their tongues. The eerily familiar spot the Bruins find themselves in right now is making me nervous.
I'd like to think that this year's team is different, that this version of the Bruins is the one that is going to advance to face the Lightning (thank god they bounced Ovechkin, I'm sick of that guy).
After watching last night's game, it's feeling that the Bruins might be this team.
But hopefully you'll forgive me if I'm a bit hesitant. I'm ready to run my mouth like a crackhead in a holding cell, but I'll hold my tongue...for the moment.
NOW GO YOU FUCKERS! BOUNCE THIS TEAM AND SHOW THEM WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF! SMASH THEM INTO THE BOARDS, DROP YOUR SHOULDERS INTO THEIR CHEST, MAKE THEM SOIL THEIR SHORTS! WIN THIS GAME AND SHUT THE ANNOUNCERS, THE PRESS, AND THE FLYERS UP!
MAKE THIS GAME THE DEFINING MOMENT OF THE 2011 PLAYOFF RUN! SCORE AND SCORE AND SCORE AGAIN! DON'T LET UP FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND! PLAY THIS GAME LIKE IT'S GAME FUCKING 7!
Game 4. Friday night. The opportunity to once and forever put aside the failure of last year.
Go B's.

So I was up in Canada for the past few days, and we swung into Ottawa late. My BlackBerry started pinging with updates regarding an upcoming statement from President Obama.

Hearing that it was going to be something regarding national security, I figured that he was going to announce that a major terror plot had been foiled.

Not so much.
The president of our nation walked out and announced that Osama Bin Laden finally met his demise at the end of some American .223 ammunition. I didn't think it could get any better, but it did.

As more details came forth, I learned that someone, some human being, an actual American, and not a missile fired by a UAV, had put the sights of their rifle on that cocksucker and pulled the trigger.

In my old profession, on occasion I was able to meet and interact with former members of the special operations community (SEALs, Delta, Rangers, Force Recon) and without fail, I came away impressed with their professionalism and (what would be absolutely terrifying if they weren't Americans) skill sets. These guys are studs of the highest order. Whether they're built like Marchand or Chara, they all have the calm and self-assured vibe to them that makes you be on your best behavior (without even realizing you're doing so). Think of a lion that is just kind of sitting there, looking around...but could jump up and fuck shit up in a moment's notice. That's what these guys are like. The movies don't do them credit. And you can generally tell them by their huge watches and Popeye-ish forearms.

There is yet another huge game tonight, with the boys going again with the fucking Flyers, but I'm having trouble focusing on hockey. The fact that bin Laden is finally dead, with American lead in his dome, has me grinning from ear to ear. People have already forgotten all of the attacks that he planned and funded (must have been too much of a pussy to get his hands dirty) over the years against so many innocents, including Americans.

I am not one of those individuals.

I'm hearing some distressing chatter from certain corners regarding the fact that he didn't receive a trial. I counter with this: think about all of the innocent Americans that were just trying to get down dark, smoky stairwells when the towers collapsed on them. Now take that "he didn't get a trial" bullshit and stick it so far up your ass that you're gagging on it.

I'll never get to meet the members of SEAL Team 6 that carried out this mission, and that's a shame. I have no doubt that these quiet men will continue to serve their country just as they did before: quietly, anonymously, and honorably. And though it's a quiet community, they will never have to buy a drink in a military bar for the rest of their days.

To all that put themselves in harm's way to protect America and our way of life, thank you. You will have forever my respect and gratitude.

America, fuck yeah!

Assuming Timmy T was able to get SOME sleep last night and didn't run around the streets of Philadelphia chanting, USA! USA!, I feel there is a even clearer goaltending advantage tonight.
Our All American goalie loves being a devout Patriot like the Frenchies in Canada love Celine Dion, like Pronger loves being a douchebag, like Ference loves trees...
Timmy T will be jacked up for a big win tonight. He will make saves like you've never seen before, finishing each move with a guttural roar. Tim "Tank" Thomas will be your American Hero tonight.
Beware of the US, Beware of the Bear.
GO BRUINS!