Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving, Motherfuckers

10 fucking wins a row. I haven't been this happy with Bruins hockey since they won the Cup. Granted, that wasn't all too long ago, but I could get kicked in the taint with a pair of steel toes right now and still come away smiling.
I was able to score a press pass to the locker room after the game in Buffalo last night and asked a few of the Bruins what they're thankful for:
Zdeno Chara: "No criminal charges from the province of Quebec."
Timmy Thomas: "I've had seven straight wins! My wife promised me backdoor love after I got six!! What's going to happen with seven? Gosh, my mind is spinning with the possibilities!"
Tyler Seguin: "Can't talk, playing Modern Warfare 3. PREDATOR MISSILE UP THE ASS, BITCHES!!!"
Brad Marchand: "The velcro tabs I had surgically implanted on my shoulders to help keep my shirts on. They've been a godsend.
Benoit Pouliot: "The shootout winner, baby! That'll buy me AT LEAST two or three bullshit minors before I'm back in the doghouse! Yeah, baby!"
Adam McQuaid: "The mullet shampoo my mom sent me. It smells like pears and parsley. The ladies love it."
Timmy Thomas: "Maybe it will be two Swedish chicks!!!"
Chris Kelly: "Me llamo Sanchez Kelly. Me gusta...ahhh..como se dice green card en espanol?"
Rich Peverley: (laughing like a crazy hobo) "The fucking fact that I was traded to a Cup contender, WON the Cup and don't have to live in Winnipeg!! I mean, holy fuck, would someone please pinch me?"
David Krejci: "snnnnnnnnoooooooooooorrrrrrrrrreee......sniffff......snnoooore...what? Is it time for the game? I must have slept through it. When's pre-game?"
Andrew Ference: "I would just like to remind everyone to properly dispose of all the plastic silverware that will undoubtedly be used on this holiday. Baby seals and seagulls can ingest a plastic fork, thereby causing them to stop gaining nutrients from any food they may find. Oh yeah, and hug a tree or I'll kick your fucking ass and truss you up on the handlebars of my eco-friendly Huffy and peddle all over Boston, inviting people to laugh and throw biodegradable objects."
Tuukka Rask: "I get to play again this season, right? Okay, cool."
Nathan Horton: "My smoking hot wife. HEY GUYS, I JUST MADE A TALLADEGA NIGHTS REFERENCE!! EVERYONE LOOK AT ME!! NATHAN BOBBY OVER HERE, WHOOP WHOOP!"
Timmy Thomas: "What if they're wearing a thong? Or maybe it's some kind of underwear I've never seen before."
At this point, security kicked me out, where I found still-concussed Ryan Miller making beef stew out of rotten buffalo wings and urine. He said it has some kind of healing properties, but I'm not so sure that he's an actual shaman...more like a whiny baby that forgot he was playing a contact sport.
So Happy Thanksgiving to all. Red Wings tomorrow. I'm feeling kind of "meh" about this game, as Detroit doesn't really get the dander up. Maybe they'll drag Darren McCarty out of whatever whorehouse he is currently living in, strap some skates on him and tell him to cool Lucic. Now THAT would prove entertaining.
Go B's.

2 comments:

Whopperfoo said...

Priceless!

Melissa said...

classic writing by the Sheriff