GET THE HATE UP

Let me just start by saying that I am enormously entertained by the shit that was stirred up in that last post by my fellow blogger. I'll have her back until the day I die.

Living so close to Montreal (about an hour away), the logical choice for a favorite hockey team growing up would have been the Habs. The fact that John LeClair, a hometown boy, played several years for Montreal should have driven me to wear the bleu, blanc, et rouge.

Playing street hockey, I could have drawn on The Rocket's aggression, or channeled Boom Boom's shot. I could have taken my hat off and pretended I was Guy Lafleur, the wind blowing my hair back as I flew towards the net. I could have pretended to be Saint Patrick, talking to the plastic goal posts in english and french.

Having family from Quebec, I should have done been a Habs fan until the day that I die.

Alas, I am not. I hate the Canadiens. Strong word. It fits.

Montreal has always inspired a visceral reaction for me. I see the jerseys and I want to get violent. Call that "typical American," call it immature, call it what you wish. I simply do not care.

I see that jersey and I feel my jaw set. My neck muscles stiffen. My respiration increases. I subconsciouly flex my hands. I'm ready for a confrontation.

Some great hockey has been played by both teams over the last several decades. Each team has a proud, proud history. It's compelling to see how much the rivalry has come back in the last three years.

The league would do well to market the living hell out of this series. Enough of the Red Wings or the expansion teams that have made it to the post-season for the first time. Focus on two original six teams that have had their share of ups and downs. Proud clubs that can rightly say they were there when the Stanley Cup was just that, a shiny little bowl that grown men would battle and bleed and cry for.

That being said, I'm going to laugh my ass off when the Bruins thrash the living shit out of the club that has had such a proud centennial year.

New coach, headcase pretty boy goalie, euro-trash brothers doing candy up the nose, supposed "stud" defenseman refusing to answer the bell when he hits someone, a midget for a captain that gets away with more than Gretzky, Lemieux, and Crosby EVER got away with combined, the constant whining and pissing and moaning like a pregnant chick on a humid August day, going on and on about how swollen her ankles are and just how bad she wants to eat an entire birthday cake and then wash it down with the juice from a pickle jar.....

That's what a Canadien player and their fans are to me.

Shut your collective mouths. Go check your beaver traps one more time before tomorrow night. Angle that antennae...just...so...and make sure you can pick up the analog signal issuing forth from CBC's studio.

It will be settled on the ice. It will be taken care of shortly.

Go Bruins.

Exponential Douchebaggery

Canadien's Class of 2009 Superlatives

Mike Komisarek - Most Likely to be in the Middle of Shit

I start off this list with my least hated Hab. Simply because he is the only one with a pair of balls you can see without a microscope. He plays tough and because the Bruins don't like to repeatedly beat up women, he often bears the grunt of their force. If he goes to a real team this summer, I'll change his superlative to Most Likely to Succeed.

Andrei Markov - Best Defensemen

Oh wait, the only decent defenseman the Habs have is hurt? Isn't that a pity.

Tomas Plecanek - Most Invisible

Does he still play on the Habs?

Maxim Laperrier/Ryan O'Byrne (Tie)- Most Likely to be Killed

The Bruins will only take so much of yappers and turtlers who won't back up their bark. Neely's been teaching the B's the art of throwing a turtler head first into the boards all week. Hnidy may bypass all of that though and just stab them.


Andrei Kostitsyn- Most Ugly

Even Habs fans need to agree.


Josh Georges - Highest Scoring Defenseman

On his own freaking goal. hahaahaha.

Alexei Kovalev - Most Likely to play Hooky, not Hockey

Kovy cares more about Kovy than anything else in the world. Will he show up?? Nah. He's a self centered pussy to the tenth degree.

George Laraques - Class Clown

This big piece of nothing hasn't done anything substantial in the enforcer role. He's pretty much a 253 lb joke on skates. Nice braids Beyonce.


Saku Koivu - Class Slasher/Diver

This little fucker gets away with murder. If the ref's don't make him pay the B's will.


Carey Price - Headcase of the Class

I almost gave this superlative to Kovalev, but when it came down to it, Kovy isn't a headcase, he's a prick. Carey on the other hand was this moldable, nice, country loving young man who was totally mindfucked by Montreal(remember Jocelyn Thibault?). His confidence is as shaky has his performances. I'm just glad the B's aren't facing the Price they faced last year at playoff time.

Canadiens Fanbase/Media/Organization- Most Delusional

You love them, you hate them, you want to tear down Montreal, you want to build it even bigger. You're love/hate for the Habs is like a yo-yo. Quite entertaining really. You always think the Has are better than they are and you always think they are worse than they are. Down some Xanex and chill. And btw, the fact that Price was awarded the Molson Cup, aka, Habs Player of the Year, just put the nail in the delusional column for me. Perhaps you're trying to give the little headcase a slap in the ass before the playoffs, but personally, if someone gave me an employee of the year award after I lost the company's funds, I think I'd see it as a slap in the face not an encouraging pat on the bottom. I don't care how many effing stars he accrued. Tards.

The B's gave you that point so they can kick your ass in the playoffs

Last night's game was a little redonk, but in a good way. They B's showed they are the tougher, better, and believe it or not classier team (see when O'Byrne turtled like a bitch after he bumped Thornton).

Yes, the B's may be a little rough around the edges, a little raw, and yes one has a fumanchu, but they out classed the Habs in every way last night. (Yes, Looch got a little out of hand last night, but who wouldn't want to give Komo a little face wash?)

Player of the game for me? Lil Patty. He really found his game last night. He was a bad ass and played beautifully. Maybe buzzing his shiny, girly, Quebec, hair brought him back to life.

Favorite Moment of the Night? Reading Thornton's mouth as he yelled to a terrified O'Byrne in the next penalty box over. I'm pretty sure it had notes of, I'm going to fucking kill you, You're dead, etc. Hnidy is brandishing a shiv for Thornton for the next match up so he can make good on his promise. I've missed you the past few games my friend.

I don't have much more as I am in a bit of mourning this morning for the Catamounts, although I'm proud of their effort. I leave you with some words.


A word to Special Jack:
Refer to the picture above. I don't know how you would "toboggan" as a child, but this really doesn't relate. A conga line 'o fight would be more appropriate. Also, I have taken 6 years of Latin, got a 780 in verbal on my SATs and I still had to look up a word you used last night. I still love you in your own "special" way though.

And finally a word to NESN:
I have a rant coming up, reminiscent of when I told you to go fuck yourselves last year. Pretty much consists of the same content, but I plan to make it a tad bit more mean this time around. Stay Tuned.

Celine Dion looking to bid for the Habs along with Cirque du Soleil Founder

No joke. I couldn't make that shit up. And I thought they couldn't get any gayer. Maybe next year the Habs will hit the ice by repelling from the ceiling on glittery ropes. Or the new goal song will be, My Heart Will Go On. Kovy will skate around the ice after each goal, golden hair blowing in the wind, ice dancing, with a tear in his eye. And the Queebs will rejoice, reapply their hair gel and sip their overly sweetened Cokes.

The B's REALLY have to take care of business tonight. Men vs. Celine's future bitches. It's a thing of beauty.

A trip down Memory Lane with Timothy Thomas

While Timmy T is preping for les Habs tomorrow night, you have to believe that a little part of him will be thinking of his alma mater and the battle they also face.

UVM clawed their way to the 2009 Frozen Four in Washington, after being handed a Hockey East thomping at the hands of U-Mass Lowell (aka the kids that didn't get into Amherst).

This sends me back to my sophomore year of high school when me and my good pal at the time were granted early dismisal from our parents to watch UVM's last venture to the Frozen Four in Colorado, circa 1997. My sophomoric crush was on Timmy T. I thought he was dreamy and pretty much the best goaltender ever. Words can not describe my sadness when the puck bounced off of Timmy Thomas' ass in to the UVM goal over the puddle of melting ice in OT. I thought my love affair with Timmy T was over. Little did I know 12 years later, he'd be back in my heart, leading the B's to the Stanley Cup playoffs (tear).

So as the Cats take on BU Thursday (BTW, you may have heard that BU's pretty good this year), Timmy T will be taking the ice against the Habs with a little part of his heart in D.C. Cheer for the Cat's with me, as a cheer for UVM is a cheer for TT.

GO CATS GO!

GO B'S!

And the Bruins and Fans Rejoice!

TIM THOMAS. Timmy T has signed a deal with the B's worth aboot 15 million and will keep him in Beantown for 3 more years! I mentioned I love him? Now TT can focus on the Cup and I can sleep at night. Nightmares of the B's letting go of TT and signing EE again this summer have been terrifying.
Now if we can just make the evil enchilada disappear...

They're back....

Four straight. Ain't nothin' wrong with cornbread!

A few random comments on last night's game:

Chara went after Artichoke like a fat kid goes after the last gummi bear. I hope the linesman didn't get hurt too badly trying to keep them apart.

I couldn't stop laughing when Lucic quickly rearranged that dude's face. Did you see his helmet? It looked like a hooker had been living in it. I don't think he realized who he was messing with.

Big ups to Lecavalier. An all-star player, he decided that he was going to phone-in his performance last night.

Does anyone else think that Stamkos looks a muppet? Freaky.

Obviously they put Timmy in Manny's uniform last night. There's no way they would have gotten out of there with a W if Un Pollo Loco had been in net.

I miss Hnidy.

That's all I got.

Go B's.