An open letter to the Montreal Canadiens:
Suckmy Koivu: We know that you're not injured. We know that you're afraid of the Bruins. It's okay, the thought of seeing Lucic thundering down the wing coming for your ass makes me cringe, too. I would LOVE to see it, but it's just that I don't want Looch to have a promising career cut short by an involuntary manslaughter charge. So go on and keep pretending that you're injured. What is it? A knee injury? An undisclosed upper-body injury? Bullshit. A Hollywood insider told me that you're a stunt double for Simon in the sequel for Alvin and The Chipmunks, which is currently in pre-production. Guess you should use those gorgeous little chompers for something, huh?
Steve Begin: It's called Propecia. You should check it out. And stop smirking. It is quite un-becoming. You make me think of a jack-o-lantern that is still on the porch in mid-January. You can kind of tell that it used to be a pumpkin, but now it's green, caved-in, and probably smells like a truckstop hooker's panties.
The Brother's Kostitsyn: With the mullets that you guys have going on, the closest you'll ever get to a woman is the fact that "tit" is in the middle of your last name. Go back to whatever little trash hometown you guys came from, crank up some shitty euro-pop (I'm thinking Auqa), and leave the NHL alone. The world will be a better place for it. One of Terry O'Reilly's pubes has more testosterone than you two dipshits put together.
Roman Hamrlik: Where did you come from?? You've been in the league since 1943, when all the real players left to go fight in World War II. Have the sense to retire before osteoporosis makes your bones as brittle as Guy Lafleur's son's tremulous grip on his freedom.
Guillaume Latendresse: Congratulations, punk. You've taken the title of goofiest name ever from Peter Sidorkiewicz. Go to Denny's, grab an All-American Slam (it will do you good), go home to whatever beaver lodge you emerged from, and resume your hunting and trapping lifestyle. We're all stocked up on pelts here.
Guy Carbonneau: Seeing your craggy face in HD made me gag. Have one of the Kostitsyn boys grab you a pamphlet detailing the usage of Botox. Who knows, it might get you laid. I feel bad for you wife.
The hockey player formerly known as Alexei Kovalev: So you think that dropping the "ei" at the end of your name would make people forget that you're a Commie? I have a dossier on you that's a mile thick, comrade. Even though you dropped those two letters, your country of origin is still readily apparent. Nothing could hide your Chernobyl-fallout-wind pallor that has blighted the NHL for years upon years. You know what I'm talking about. Federov has it, too. It's that "I've been eating snow with radiation in it for years and years. My bones are paper thin from having to subsist on potato vodka. I dream that I can retire to Miami, Florida, where the weather is warm, the women loose, and I can listen to as much Abba as I please." I don't know when you decided to suddenly play hockey, as you've coasted for years. Do I need to mention the infamous "slash" from Glen Murray that must have pureed your wrist last time around? As Peter Worrell said a few years ago, "I've hit my girlfriend harder than that." Do you and the aforementioned Kostitsyn brothers go to the same stylist? You must walk in, point to the picture titled "Le Douche." and sit down in the chair, huh? You've been cheated, son. I would ask for a refund. GO BOSTON