In an effort not to take a bath with Drano and a toaster, I am thinking hard about next season. The Bruins weren't supposed to make any noise this year. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, doubted that they would make the playoffs. If you factor in that their best player was hurt for the entire year and all the other injuries they had to deal with, it does show the kind of sac this team is packing. Below you will find suggestions for each player to follow in the off-season.
Savvy: Don't change anything. You're good to go.
Bergeron: Heal up. Get your dome squared away. DO NOT engage in any shenanigans like Joe Thornton did a few years ago when a couple police officers were trying to arrest his drunk brother (you get that pepper spray out of your hair yet, Joe?).
Murray: Just be happy that an NHL team is still willing to pay your salary. Yes, you score forty goals a year. That's nice. Where were you in the playoffs? You were next to my mittens that I misplaced in first grade in the Lost and Found box and City School. If you decided to go elsewhere, I wouldn't cry. It's been a good run, but you're showing your age...and the fact that you don't do ANYTHING but score goals. Julien should have scratched you and inserted Reich into the lineup. At least he hits people.
PJ: See Savvy's suggestion.
Sturm: Gary Betteman called and said that your goal scoring face (you know the one that I'm talking about, you look like a 3rd Reich lieutenant leading a blitzkrieg through Poland in 1939) is scaring people in Florida. Try a smile. That is all.
Krejci: Go to L.A., find a good plastic surgeon, and get a chin implant. Having a young promising rookie that looks like Napoleon Dynamite's brother is a bit disturbing. Better yet, set yourself up with an agent. You can probably get a number from Glen Featherstone (angry Apache brave #4 in Dances With Wolves).
Kobasew: Am I the only one that has realized that you were the little kid Jumanji that cheats and gets turned into a monkey? Stay away from the bananas. And heal up. You're fast.
Looch: Go to a skating clinic. Your skating improved markedly during the season. Refine it a bit more. You will soon be unstoppable. Love ya, kid.
Metropolit: Stay in shape. Boston took a chance with you, and it paid off. Your veteran leadership was a benefit to all. You're a trench fighter, and the fans appreciate what you bring to the team.
Ol' One Nut: Eat some protein. Hit the gym. Put some mass on. And for fuck's sake, learn a new move. You show flashes of brilliance and then hide for three games. The sooner you figure out that you can't hypnotize a defenseman by flashing your gooch through those shorts (did you find them in a ditch?), the better.
Reich: Keep your head up. You'll no doubt be fighting for a job come training camp time. You should have played every game against the Habs. Unfortunately, Julien thought that Murray was going to actually hit the net for once.
Hakapalita Nokelainen: I liked what you showed towards the end of the year. Keep it up.
Schaefer: You should be less concerned with what trendy way you're going to style your facial hair and more with playing hockey. If you played for the Kings, you would have OD'd on an eight ball by now. You will have to prove that you want it in training camp. We might as well have kept Shean Donovan. At least he brought something to the team (rally helmet).
Sobotka: Get your teeth fixed. You're going to have a break out year. Go with Krejci when he gets his chin fixed. You guys can heal up together.
Edgecrusher Thornton: Please please please. Either grow a mustache or a beard. That Village People biker look you were rockin' was a bit unsettling. Other than that, build those knuckles up. Keep hitting the brick wall behind the Garden. And work on your shot just a bit. You could easily score ten goals a year with the space that opposing d-men give you.
Big Z: I know you're banged up. Heal, my yeti. Heal.
Wideman: Sometimes you skate up the ice like Orr. Maybe you could start finding the net like him too, huh? Move back in with your parents, get a bag of pucks, and commence to breaking the garage door.
Ference: When Don Sweeney retired, only Bruins fans knew just how solid that little fucker was. I missed him a lot. You are Sweeney 2.0. Your improvements include the ability and willingness to fight. Keep it up.
Ward: Best pick-up the Bruins have made in the last two years. Can you imagine if a baseball player took the kind of punishment you take in one period? They would be on the DL for the entire year. Whatever potion you're drinking, but more. Share it with Ol' One Nut. Don't let the federal government know that you order the stuff from Zimbabwe and that it's distilled from the testicles of lions, black rhinos, and spotted leopards.
Stuart: When you are partying with your Alpha Beta Theta brothers this summer, make sure to use the fact that you're a pro hockey player, and not roofies, to seal the deal. Maybe you could have some of your hair follicles transplanted onto Auld's head. You hairy like caveman. He not.
Hnidy: I always thought you would look good in a Bruins jersey. Throw some more knuckles next year. You came in late in the season. You will endear yourself to Bruins fans by pounding some faces in (see Lucic 07-08).
Alberts: Don't let Stuart get jammed up at those frat parties. Heal up. We will need your physical presence next year.
Auld: I always feel bad for the back-up goaltender. You came in to a tough situation and played admirably. You will probably be put on waivers next year. Manny Fucking Fernandez will heal up and you won't be needed anymore. For this, I am sorry. Thank you for your efforts.
TIMMAY: Fucking A, brother. They should call you Seabiscuit. Always the underdog. You showed your ability this year. Spend some time with your family. If you go hunting, please don't get eaten by a bear.
Can't wait for next year. Gonna have to.